A Letter to the Garden State Parkway

My Letter to The Garden State Parkway (*NOTE* I never actually sent this one!)


Department of Transportation

P.O. Box 600

Trenton, NJ 08625-0600


Dear Department of Transportation:




My name is Theodore Sinclair. You may remember me from my letter in 1987 concerning a type of car that I saw on an episode of ..Mr. Belvedere... I am writing you today in regards to The Garden State Parkway.





My first issue is that the people who collect the tolls are almost NEVER good looking. I..ve seen better looking people at Wal Mart on prom night. Most of these collectors make me want to puke. When I cruise up to the tolls, I just slow to 20 and toss my nickels through the window. No reason to stop. That..s why you need hot babes in bikinis and/or low cut dresses fielding my coin. It..s a tool booth, not a troll booth.




Also, the Parkway is SO boring! My suggestion is that at each toll one of the nude models gives you a CLUE. When you ride the Parkway you collect these clues to solve some sort of mystery. Everyone loves mysteries. The first person to solve the mystery gets to choose from a prize box. You could win season one of Facts of Life on dvd, a hat, Italian water ice, or sex.




The mystery chase also forces the Parkway to be much more of a race. As such, we..ll need to eliminate lanes and speed limits. We..ll also have to add various power-ups and weapons, so it can be more like Mario Kart. I like Mario Kart. I am always TOAD.




I am also VERY happy that you stopped collecting tolls both ways. Other states were mocking us because we used to go ..both ways... It made us seem VERY gay. These states were wondering just what kind of fruits our Garden state was growing.




A few other suggestions:


- Limited edition U2/Oprah RED exit ramps at select locations.


- Rest stops every 3 miles. (I HAVE BLADDER ISSUES.)


- Free pony rides at exit 100.


- See above, but replace ..pony.. with ..hooker...


- Every Wednesday is ..80s night. ONLY cars from the ..80s allowed.


- Special 3-D glasses on Saturdays so when you drive everything is 3-dimensional.


- Pass an even exit, drink a beer. WITHIN REASON.


- Billboards that let you play, ..Where..s Waldo...


- The ability to force people to switch cars with you at any moment.




Please contact me in regards to my suggestions. I really feel that we can team up to win back the people of New Jersey if you give me a six-figure salary and put my plans in motion. I am free to meet anytime EXCEPT Thursday nights (Grey..s Anatomy).







Sincerely,

Theodore Sinclair