Letter to the Mint

*Never sent this one, for obvious reasons.*

Dear U$ Mint-

I like money! I just wanted to thank you for making it. I like money so much that I tend to collect it. Sometimes, I'll even carry it around with me. In my pants. I am such a big fan of money that I even have to store it in a bank! Wait. I do have some problems though. Problems with the currency. Hopefully I can "change" your mind. HAHAHAHA…change!! The laugh doctor is in!!! You can "bill" me later!!! HAHAHAHA …bill!!!

I am getting very tired of seeing the same people on the same denominations of bills. Every time I reach into my wallet, Washington, Lincoln or Stevenson is starring back at me. They were all fine Presidents, and I love them, but I think it's time to move on. They are hogging the spotlight from other people. I think we have "paid" them their due respect by placing them on various coins and dollars for the better part of the past 25 years. In order for our country to grow, and prosper we have to start honoring other peeps as well. Our currency needs a "face lift" (hahaha). I wouldn't want to wear the same pants that people did 30 years ago, so why should I be using the same money? THINK ABOUT IT.

How about giving some other *EDIT EDIT EDIT* (sorry, I can't post this part). Personally, I'd like to see Taft on my 1 dollar bill. "That will be 4 Tafts, please." Then me and the shop keep could discuss the former President. What about Nixon? Everybody loved him, so what not stick him on the 20? People always inspect 20 dollar bills, because they think they might be illegal. This would be ironic, and people would laugh! Or maybe even an entire series of Presidential pets. From Clinton's Socks, to Johnson's beagle to Lincoln's slaves. It would be fun! OH! Or what about a series with the Presidents wearing funny hats!! With a caption that has them saying, "Show me the money!!!"

Also, I don't like the color of money anymore. BORING!! My friend Gus says green is very 80's. I don't need people giving me dirty looks when I use out of style money. What about pink? Blue? Orange? Green? Or Banana? And lets change the shapes of the bills. Ewwwww rectangles!!! I'd like my money to be twice the size, and in the shape of a trapezoid. Also, they should be scratch and sniff. Possibly 3D.

Why not just get rid of the Presidents all together? I'd like to see a celebrity series. Everybody likes celebrities. We could harvest them from the covers of today hippest magazines. Think of the possibilities! Justin Timberlake on the 1. Tom Hanks on the 5. J-lo "On the Six" (HAHAHAHAHA Get it??? That was the name of her cd!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA). Steve Guttenberg could hold down the 20, while Carson Daily would put the 50-dollar bill over with "the kids."

These are just some of my ideas, but I have lots more. Remind me to tell you about my plan to convert all coins over to Poggs. Let me know what you think of MY ideas as soon as possible, and then we'll set up a meeting at the most convenient time for me. By the way, my friend told me that on the 5,000-dollar bill, there is a picture of the 1957 St. Louis Cardinals. Is this true? That seems pretty silly.

-ME