I sent this puppy off to the local zoo. Bunch of animals they are.
Philadelphia Zoo
3400 West Girard Avenue
Philadelphia, PA
19104-1196
Hey man, what’s up? I just wanted to tell you that I really like what you have done with your museum of puppies. I give it a great round of “a-paws” (applause). And also, I need you to check your lost and found for me A.S.A.Q.P.Q. for I believe I left something behind at your zoo….my heart. Just hold on and let me explain, as mine truly is the most amazing “tail” (OMG LOL!!) EVER told that involves a woman, a chimp, 3 penguins, a mule, 7 cherry ice pops, another mule and my soul. All of which took place inside your zooniverse.
It all started on a surprisingly chilly April morning, a morning that was full of surprises and took place on a Saturday. BIG Surprise. I had just flown in from Australia where I was visiting my internet girlfriend candycanelilly27. Long story short: Once Upon A Time…THE END. Anyways, once I arrived in Australia I realized that my candycanelilly was more like a candycaneMITCH. That’s right, I had spent 7 years E-dating a MAN :*( He was cute, but I am not into men….yet. SIGH.
Yeah, so when I came home that Thursday I went to your zoo. Looking at depressed caged animals whose entire lives are doomed to be a spectacle for humans is the best way to put a smile on my face like this: :) . I started out by visiting your new Baboon Bayou. Next I moved on to your Wild Wild West Dolphin Shoot Out. How did you get them to wear those funny hats?! Just before lunch I swung by your Lazer and Lights and Seagulls Showcase inside that barn to catch the 11:45 show. It was sub par (Too many lazers, not enough lights and seagulls). While exiting, that’s where I saw her. The most beautiful woman ever. Standing under a tree, her hair blowing in the breeze, just like mom used to make. I went over, my face tinged with red and asked her to lunch. She looked up, saw me then made this weird face and slapped me.
When I was walking away one of the Show seagulls must have escaped and it pooped on my head. Just then another OK-looking girl came over and helped me clean the droppings off of my face. I wondered why she was being so nice. Then she showed me her forehead where she too had been pooped on. We were connected by the very same “gifts” from up above. Surely this was a sign by God. I called her my little sea-gal, and she called me her little sea-gal, too.
We spent the rest if our zoo day together. It was pure ZOO-bilation! In between poking some animals with sticks and feeding cupcakes to the monkeys, we would sneak kisses. I was in LOVE. I went over to you souvenir shop in hopes of buying her an engagement ring, but they must have been sold out. Instead, I got her a funny shirt that said “Just ZOO It.” Just before 5pm, she said she had to go to the bathroom, so I waited outside. I waited and waited and waited. I waited more. And MORE. Then I stopped waiting. Then I resumed waiting. SHE NEVER CAME BACK. She left me:*( As I was exiting your zoo I saw her outside in the parking lot. She was cleaning the poop off of another man’s head. Then I saw them kiss:*( Why!! Why ME!? WHY!? I tried to run after her, but they sped off in his Jaguar. IF YOUR ZOO JUS HAD THE ENGAGEMENT RINGS THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.
Now I am broken hearted. No amount of Wild Wild West Dolphin Shoot Outs will restore even 27% of my heart. BUT with your help I WILL find her again. I need your zoo to spread the word and keep an eye for her. She is 5’5’’ and has brown hair and is a girl. She likes to wear sneakers and jeans and long sleeve shirts. If you see someone who looks like this please contact me right away. She answers to the name Janet. I haven’t tried them, but she may also answer to the names Pippy, Soaps or Shantel.
I look forward to hearing from you soon so I can get my life back on track. Also, could you please tell me how much it would cost to rent out 3 lions for the afternoon? I need them for revenge. Thanks a bunch!
Hugs and Kisses,
ME
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