A Letter to English Muffins

I sent this off to Thomas' English Muffins.....

George Weston Bakeries
55 Paradise La.
Bay Shore, NY 11706

Dear Company That Makes Thomas’ English Muffins,


Hi. You may not remember me, but I remember you. Each and every one of you who helps to give birth to new English Muffins every day. You have no idea how much English Muffins have meant to me. They have always been there in my time of need and I wanted to give you some thumbs ups.

Here is a very sad story. When I was a little boy growing up during the late ‘60s in Parasail, Australia….I had no real friends. For a brief period of time I befriended a koala named Glenny and a kangaroo named Mr. Tuddles. Each Sunday morning I would venture out into the briar patch and feed Glenny and Mr. Tuddles English Muffins topped with cranberries. They loved them. One Sunday morning everything went wrong. I only had 1 Thomas’ brand muffin at my house, so I had to use two generic muffins as replacements. SIGH. When I arrived at the briar patch, I ate the real English Muffin and I gave the knock-offs to Glenny and Mr. Tuddles. I think they could tell that they were not the real deal, but they didn’t want to say anything. In part because it would be kanga-rude, in part because they couldn’t talk.

The next Sunday when I showed up, Glenny and Mr. Tuddles were both dead. I poked them with my poking stick a few dozen times to make sure. Yep, they were dead. I knew I had killed them by feeding them non-Thomas English muffins. I committed Thomaside (homicide). I promised myself I would never make that mistake again. Or would I?

No, I wouldn’t. But this past week I was in the store and I purchased what I thought was a six-pack of your English Muffins. I am a single father and this morning I called the 5 children I still like down for breakfast. I set up 6 plates….for the 5 kids and 1 fo’ myself. When I opened the bag, I realized your “company” selfishly only put 5 muffins inside.

I knew what had to be done. I am the “bread winner” of the house and I needed my energy, so I had to eat. I tried to decide which one of the 5 kids wouldn’t eat breakfast today, but it is a tough choice for a parent to pick favorites, so instead I ate all 5 muffins. The kids ate nothing. I made them sit there and watch me eat each delectable one, as I told them that the Thomas company was to blame for their starvation. The kids were angry and it was destroying our family. I made each kid write their feelings about your muffins so you could feel my pain. Here are some:

Stuart: (age 5) “The Thomas’ English Muffins corporation makes my tummy cry.”
Bethany: (age 7) “I’d rather shoot myself in the face or watch ABC Family before I look at another one of your muffins.”
Penny: (age 15) “If The Thomas’ English Muffins Corp was a contestant on American Idol, I would NOT text you a vote via my Cingular Wireless phone.”
Bret: (age 16) “English Muffins? More like English Suckins.”

So Thomas’, on behalf of my family, I’d just like to thank your for your ignorance that has caused my children to go hungry. Don’t worry though….I just got back from the store and since the kids now loath your company, I picked them up a bag of generic-brand muffins. God help you if I have to break out that poking stick.

Yours,

X



PS. I just thought of an invention for the wintertime…English EarMuffins.