My Letter to Wal Mart

I wrote this letter to Wal Mart....those big corporate bastards.


Mr. Lee Scott, President
Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
P O Box 116
Bentonville, AR 72712-9956


Dear Mr. President-

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming PRESIDENT of Wal Mart. How did you get to be president? I was never informed of any election. This is America, damnit and we have the right to vote for our pressydents. Who ran against you? Anybody? This so-called "election" seems to be rigged worse than half the crap on your shelves. Regardless, I still want to be the Wal Mart president. I will run against you in the next "election." I have a VERY controversial stance on Pokemon vs. Digimon. Now onto why I don't like Wal Mart.

True story: I am highly afraid of coming into your store for fear of being hit on the head by these "falling prices." Is this some sort of sick joke!? What if I was walking through the dog food isle (for fun) and I got hit on the head by a 2? Or even worse, an 8? I could be seriously hurt. I would NOT be on cloud "9" but instead in "7th" heaven....or worse, i could get stuck with 666 (one time your store accused me of stealing, so I am not sure how God will be impacted by that upon his review of my life). Do you pass out hardhats maybe? I'm not supplying my own. And you'd have to give me one that at least matches my outfit (think pink!). I suggest you patch up this leak pronto, Tonto.

I also fear that swashbuckling yellow smiling face that I see in your commercials. You know who I am talking about. It flies around your store wearing an eye patch while carrying a massive sword. What the hell is going on?!?! It tries to fool people by smiling all the time...BUT ITS NOT LIKE WE CAN'T SEE THE PIRATE HAT. I see that it goes around slashing things such as (falling) prices. What's next on the chopping block? Babies? How do I know that this yellow deamon might not be gunning for me next!? And is this murdurer actually on payroll? It makes the Hamburglar seem like JESUS. I don't want to fight, but if I see that bastard coming towards me, I will buy a gun/feather duster and shoot/tickle until I TAKE IT OUT.

Why do you think your store is so great that you let other stores inside of it? EXAMPLE: McDonald's. That's a stupid way of doing business don't we think so? You already sell food there! That's like me opening up a store that sells giant novelty foam hands, THEN letting a store inside my store that sells giant novelty foam fingers and super size fries. GROSS!!! And if you ARE going to have a store inside your store, why not a universal dump? This way all the world's garbage can be found under one roof.

Why do the Olsen twins get their own line of clothing at your stores yet the rest of the Full House cast gets left out in the cold? Did your heartless corporation even stop a minute to think about Bob Saget or John Stamos? Think of the possibilities! "Attention Customers! There is a sale on our Saget Slacks!" OR "Buy your Uncle Jessie hair gel now...and HAVE MERCEY!" And don't forget about Dave Coulier scissors (Cut it out!!!).

You need to get your act together if you think Wal Mart can cut it in this world. I'm going to be honest. I don't think your store will be around too much longer. and by the way....its spelled WALL not Wal.




The next President of Wal Mart-

-ME