Letter to a Cracker Company

I wrote to some cracker company and crazy antics ensued.

Wakefern Food Corporation
600 York St.
Elizabeth, NJ 07207


Dear People-

My name is Joseph Morano. I work for a very important factory that specializes in making money. Seeing as though I am a lavish businessperson type, I don’t have time for all the dilly-dallying that goes into buying lunch from the cafeteria inside my particular industry. Complicating the matter is my past with one of the lunch ladies (I wont go into details, but it involves gummi dinos). Because of this I pack a very brief lunch inside my brief(lunch)case. One of the items I always pack are your “Toasty Peanut Butter Cracker Snacks” or “Snackers” as we at the office refer to them. Even though the store brands (Shop-Rite) generally aren’t up to the same quality as other brands, I stick with your brand so it motivates me enough to strive for a promotion so I can someday afford the better tasting peanut butter crackers. If Tony Robbins was ever a cracker snack, he would be yours.

Before last Tuesday my toasty-rific relationship with said crackers was going heavenly! However with every Heaven…there is a bloody savage ridden HELL. I opened up your crackers and got “cracker-ing” on them. Peanut butter snacks 1-5 went down fine. Satan struck with cracker #6(66). I pulled in out and…..THE PEANUT BUTTER SLAB WAS MISSING.

What’s the big idea here? Is this some kind of “twisted” (lol) way to pull one over on your valued customer and save a few pennies? What if everyone in the world decided to randomly leave out things to screw people over. When you buy a car do they randomly leave off the breaks on every 6th auto? What if you bought those pajamas that come with the PJ shoes built in and they randomly left off one foot on every 6th pair? It’s a little different now that the shoe ISNT on the other foot, isn’t it???

The back of the package claims “All our products are laboratory tested to assure their quality.” Do monkeys run this laboratory? How stupid can you be to forget to put the peanut butter inside PEANUT BUTTER crackers, you cracker. I don’t know what went wrong here, but you peanutbetter figure it out. Right now I have two naked crackers sitting on my counter and they aren’t going anywhere until I get my slab back. If I wanted plain old crackers I’d move to the Hamptons. I don’t want a refund or a check for large sums of money. I just want my peanut butter slab back IN FULL.

-ME