A Letter to Eggo Waffles

My Eggo Waffles letter

I sent this letter to Eggo Waffles the other day...


Dear Kellogg's Corporation Incorporated:


Hey, it's Joey. This letter is in regards to your Eggo Waffles. You will NOT believe what happened to me yesterday.

I woke up at 3 in the afternoon and I was hella-hungry. The previous night I was out drinking like it was nobody's business...(AKA alone). After I was drunk I believe I walked down to the clubs and/or supermarket. When I woke up this morning I went to whatever girl I was with the night before's refrigerator to look for some Eggos. Bitch had none. What I waste of my time. I took off and headed home.

When I got home I put in some Eggos. While they were getting their cook on in the toaster, I jumped in the shower to wash the sex off. Then I dashed back to the kitchen. That's when I noticed it. My fucking Eggos were GONE. STOLEN. THWARTED? At first I thought of the usual food suspects: Hamburglar, Cookie Crisp guy, The Noid, Trix Rabbit, The Waffler, Aunt Jemima, etc. Then when the acid wore off I turned my attentions to human suspects.

Just then grandma walked in. She had an empty plate.

"Hi Grandma, nice shirt. So, what were you eating there?" I asked.

"Eggos Waffles," she sassily replied. "YOUR Eggo waffles, Joey."

That bitch ate my fucking waffles. I knew it. I then did the only thing I knew to do in this situation.

I coldly glared at Grandma and in Clint Eastwood-style stated, "Leggo my Eggo, Grandma."

Then she says, get this, "I was hungry, I am sorry, but you got Punk'd. Leggo to the store and we can buy some more."

I had it. I grabbed grandma and tied her to a chair.

"Leggo of me!" She yelled.

"I will not Leggo of you," I quipped. "Here, play with these Legos.

At this point I remembered one of your commercials. The one where you told the kids not to take any shit from people who yoink your Eggos. "Vengence at any cost. Leggo my Eggo"

I decided the best course of action would be to blow up the kitchen. Since I am a huge fan of "MacGyver," I constructed a homemade bomb out of Clorox, dish soap, 4 napkins, an apple, toothpaste, dynamite, and several "MacGyver" trading cards. Grandma was pleading for her life, but I didn't care. She'd think twice before leggoing my shit next time. It was time she learned her lesson...via death.

Just as I was about to light the fire to blow the place up, the cops broke down my door. They must have found Beaver Watson's body. They freed grandma and carted my ass off to jail. In the back of the squad car I confessed that I killed Beaver for a previous leggoing incident. Right now I am out on bail (I had money saved from using Eggo coupons) but I will be back in court soon. I hope they serve Eggos in my prison. I have heard terrible stories about what goes on in prisons. Leggoing everywhere.

Anyway, I just wanted to know if you could please mail me some supplemental nutritional information. That would just be great.

Thanks,

Joey