Letter to Arby's

This is a letter I wrote to the good people at Arby's. They sent me some coupons, which I used to take my lady out for an evening of fine dining.


Arby's Restaurant
Arby's Restaurant Headquarters
1000 Corporate DR
Ft Lauderdale FL
33334

Dear Arby's Restaurant personnel,

I was just 4 years old at the time. Mother was driving me home from school. I was ever so hungry. “Mama, I am ever so hungry,” I said. That’s when she pulled into a strange place she called “Arby’s.” As she placed the order at the speedy Arby’s drive-thru, I couldn’t wait. The food on the menu looked so good! And I was ever so hungry. Then some lady handed my mom the bag of food and mother handed her the green. The food smelled sooo good! “Mother, may I have some Arby’s please? I am still ever so hungry,” I said. “No,” mom stated as she devoured a beef sandwich. I was sad I couldn’t eat that Arby’s that day, but I never forgot the smell or the look on my mom’s face as she ate. 18 years and many many Arby’s meals later I still can’t get that smell and food and whatnot outa my mind. I LIVE for Arby’s. Here’s why.

Arby’s has the BEST straws in the business. The Arby’s straw is really really W-I-D-E. This helps to maximize my Coke intake, and minimize my suckage strains. When I suck, I like to suck smooth. Other so-called “quality” restaurants have flimsy “non-wide” straws. I think we will both agree this is an INSULT to the customer. I don’t have the time to wait for the soda to make its way through tiny straws. I am a busy boy and when I am thirsty I want my soda!!! Arby’s understands this with its revolutionary WIDE straw technology. This shows that Arby’s loves me.
When I am at the Arby’s I almost always get the #6. That is the chicken finger meal. Do chickens even have fingers? Oh well, I’ll “finger” it out! Sometimes I feel the chicken fingers don’t get the respect they deserve. Why are they buried all the way down at #6? I don’t like saying “6” because sometimes I get dirty looks. Lets try to bump the finger meal to the #2. Two rhymes with shoe, this way I wouldn’t forget.
Arby’s is also equipped with GREAT fries. They are yum. You even get TWO (shoe) fry style choices. Curly or straight. Personally, I am not a straight man….so I go with the curly.

Recently I have been developing what I refer to as “Arb-oration Arby’s.” I have conducted 8 minutes of research and found that you currently have over 3,000 Arby’ses. That’s alota Arby’s! My dream is to be the first person EVER to eat at every single Arby’s restaurant (I have already been to three). I am no stranger to world records either…you may have heard of me before, as I hold the record for most Coke drank in a 24 hour period (wide straws get the assist). If I eat my next 3,000 dinners at a different Arby’s restaurant, I will have accomplished my goal in 10 years. We could even hype this up, and people would get excited when I was going to be visiting their hometown Arby’s soon! I would even sign 8x10 glossies of myself shoving a sandwich in my mouth while giving a thumbs up. I’d be giving the thumbs up in the picture…..not while signing (that is extra).

Obviously I couldn’t pull this off by myself. I’d need your help! I recently graduated from college at the top of my class with a degree in advertising and I have a job that pays me good money! To make my dream come true, I would have to quit my job….but I am ready for that sacrifice. What I need from Arby’s is to pick up the tab and pay me ten years advance salary. I think we’d both make out on this deal.. I wouldn’t by flying to every location…I would drive to them in my Carby’s. That’s the name I came up with for the Arby’s mobile (we’ll talk about that at the first or second meeting). Please get back to me soon so I know what to tell my wife and children.


Sincerely,
ME

P.S. Do you have a slogan? How about we change it to “Git your Eat On”?