My Letter to The Garden State Parkway (*NOTE* I never actually sent this one!)
Department of Transportation
P.O. Box 600
Trenton, NJ 08625-0600
Dear Department of Transportation:
My name is Theodore Sinclair. You may remember me from my letter in 1987 concerning a type of car that I saw on an episode of ..Mr. Belvedere... I am writing you today in regards to The Garden State Parkway.
My first issue is that the people who collect the tolls are almost NEVER good looking. I..ve seen better looking people at Wal Mart on prom night. Most of these collectors make me want to puke. When I cruise up to the tolls, I just slow to 20 and toss my nickels through the window. No reason to stop. That..s why you need hot babes in bikinis and/or low cut dresses fielding my coin. It..s a tool booth, not a troll booth.
Also, the Parkway is SO boring! My suggestion is that at each toll one of the nude models gives you a CLUE. When you ride the Parkway you collect these clues to solve some sort of mystery. Everyone loves mysteries. The first person to solve the mystery gets to choose from a prize box. You could win season one of Facts of Life on dvd, a hat, Italian water ice, or sex.
The mystery chase also forces the Parkway to be much more of a race. As such, we..ll need to eliminate lanes and speed limits. We..ll also have to add various power-ups and weapons, so it can be more like Mario Kart. I like Mario Kart. I am always TOAD.
I am also VERY happy that you stopped collecting tolls both ways. Other states were mocking us because we used to go ..both ways... It made us seem VERY gay. These states were wondering just what kind of fruits our Garden state was growing.
A few other suggestions:
- Limited edition U2/Oprah RED exit ramps at select locations.
- Rest stops every 3 miles. (I HAVE BLADDER ISSUES.)
- Free pony rides at exit 100.
- See above, but replace ..pony.. with ..hooker...
- Every Wednesday is ..80s night. ONLY cars from the ..80s allowed.
- Special 3-D glasses on Saturdays so when you drive everything is 3-dimensional.
- Pass an even exit, drink a beer. WITHIN REASON.
- Billboards that let you play, ..Where..s Waldo...
- The ability to force people to switch cars with you at any moment.
Please contact me in regards to my suggestions. I really feel that we can team up to win back the people of New Jersey if you give me a six-figure salary and put my plans in motion. I am free to meet anytime EXCEPT Thursday nights (Grey..s Anatomy).
Sincerely,
Theodore Sinclair
Saturday, March 24, 2007
A Letter to English Muffins
I sent this off to Thomas' English Muffins.....
George Weston Bakeries
55 Paradise La.
Bay Shore, NY 11706
Dear Company That Makes Thomas’ English Muffins,
Hi. You may not remember me, but I remember you. Each and every one of you who helps to give birth to new English Muffins every day. You have no idea how much English Muffins have meant to me. They have always been there in my time of need and I wanted to give you some thumbs ups.
Here is a very sad story. When I was a little boy growing up during the late ‘60s in Parasail, Australia….I had no real friends. For a brief period of time I befriended a koala named Glenny and a kangaroo named Mr. Tuddles. Each Sunday morning I would venture out into the briar patch and feed Glenny and Mr. Tuddles English Muffins topped with cranberries. They loved them. One Sunday morning everything went wrong. I only had 1 Thomas’ brand muffin at my house, so I had to use two generic muffins as replacements. SIGH. When I arrived at the briar patch, I ate the real English Muffin and I gave the knock-offs to Glenny and Mr. Tuddles. I think they could tell that they were not the real deal, but they didn’t want to say anything. In part because it would be kanga-rude, in part because they couldn’t talk.
The next Sunday when I showed up, Glenny and Mr. Tuddles were both dead. I poked them with my poking stick a few dozen times to make sure. Yep, they were dead. I knew I had killed them by feeding them non-Thomas English muffins. I committed Thomaside (homicide). I promised myself I would never make that mistake again. Or would I?
No, I wouldn’t. But this past week I was in the store and I purchased what I thought was a six-pack of your English Muffins. I am a single father and this morning I called the 5 children I still like down for breakfast. I set up 6 plates….for the 5 kids and 1 fo’ myself. When I opened the bag, I realized your “company” selfishly only put 5 muffins inside.
I knew what had to be done. I am the “bread winner” of the house and I needed my energy, so I had to eat. I tried to decide which one of the 5 kids wouldn’t eat breakfast today, but it is a tough choice for a parent to pick favorites, so instead I ate all 5 muffins. The kids ate nothing. I made them sit there and watch me eat each delectable one, as I told them that the Thomas company was to blame for their starvation. The kids were angry and it was destroying our family. I made each kid write their feelings about your muffins so you could feel my pain. Here are some:
Stuart: (age 5) “The Thomas’ English Muffins corporation makes my tummy cry.”
Bethany: (age 7) “I’d rather shoot myself in the face or watch ABC Family before I look at another one of your muffins.”
Penny: (age 15) “If The Thomas’ English Muffins Corp was a contestant on American Idol, I would NOT text you a vote via my Cingular Wireless phone.”
Bret: (age 16) “English Muffins? More like English Suckins.”
So Thomas’, on behalf of my family, I’d just like to thank your for your ignorance that has caused my children to go hungry. Don’t worry though….I just got back from the store and since the kids now loath your company, I picked them up a bag of generic-brand muffins. God help you if I have to break out that poking stick.
Yours,
X
PS. I just thought of an invention for the wintertime…English EarMuffins.
George Weston Bakeries
55 Paradise La.
Bay Shore, NY 11706
Dear Company That Makes Thomas’ English Muffins,
Hi. You may not remember me, but I remember you. Each and every one of you who helps to give birth to new English Muffins every day. You have no idea how much English Muffins have meant to me. They have always been there in my time of need and I wanted to give you some thumbs ups.
Here is a very sad story. When I was a little boy growing up during the late ‘60s in Parasail, Australia….I had no real friends. For a brief period of time I befriended a koala named Glenny and a kangaroo named Mr. Tuddles. Each Sunday morning I would venture out into the briar patch and feed Glenny and Mr. Tuddles English Muffins topped with cranberries. They loved them. One Sunday morning everything went wrong. I only had 1 Thomas’ brand muffin at my house, so I had to use two generic muffins as replacements. SIGH. When I arrived at the briar patch, I ate the real English Muffin and I gave the knock-offs to Glenny and Mr. Tuddles. I think they could tell that they were not the real deal, but they didn’t want to say anything. In part because it would be kanga-rude, in part because they couldn’t talk.
The next Sunday when I showed up, Glenny and Mr. Tuddles were both dead. I poked them with my poking stick a few dozen times to make sure. Yep, they were dead. I knew I had killed them by feeding them non-Thomas English muffins. I committed Thomaside (homicide). I promised myself I would never make that mistake again. Or would I?
No, I wouldn’t. But this past week I was in the store and I purchased what I thought was a six-pack of your English Muffins. I am a single father and this morning I called the 5 children I still like down for breakfast. I set up 6 plates….for the 5 kids and 1 fo’ myself. When I opened the bag, I realized your “company” selfishly only put 5 muffins inside.
I knew what had to be done. I am the “bread winner” of the house and I needed my energy, so I had to eat. I tried to decide which one of the 5 kids wouldn’t eat breakfast today, but it is a tough choice for a parent to pick favorites, so instead I ate all 5 muffins. The kids ate nothing. I made them sit there and watch me eat each delectable one, as I told them that the Thomas company was to blame for their starvation. The kids were angry and it was destroying our family. I made each kid write their feelings about your muffins so you could feel my pain. Here are some:
Stuart: (age 5) “The Thomas’ English Muffins corporation makes my tummy cry.”
Bethany: (age 7) “I’d rather shoot myself in the face or watch ABC Family before I look at another one of your muffins.”
Penny: (age 15) “If The Thomas’ English Muffins Corp was a contestant on American Idol, I would NOT text you a vote via my Cingular Wireless phone.”
Bret: (age 16) “English Muffins? More like English Suckins.”
So Thomas’, on behalf of my family, I’d just like to thank your for your ignorance that has caused my children to go hungry. Don’t worry though….I just got back from the store and since the kids now loath your company, I picked them up a bag of generic-brand muffins. God help you if I have to break out that poking stick.
Yours,
X
PS. I just thought of an invention for the wintertime…English EarMuffins.
Letter to Nick Jr.
I sent this letter off to the gang at Nick Jr.
Nick Jr
1515 Broadway
New York, NY 10036
Dear Nick Jr.,
I like the way you work it. Blue’s Clues is my favorite TV show. If I had to make a list of the 3 greatest TV shows of all time, it would be: 1) Cheers 2) St. Elsewhere 3) Blue’s Clues. Jake and The Fat Man runs a close #4.
I have been playing along with Blue’s Clues for almost 10 years now. I am GREAT. I kick ass at the “Which One is the Dog?” game. But alas…now that I am 33 the game doesn’t seem as challenging. I can tell which one of the 3 objects isn’t the apple in under 5 minutes.
To make the game more challenging, I recently invented Blue’s Clues: The Drinking Game, or Booze Clues as it is known around the office. It is MUCH harder to remember what Blue’s favorite color is after knocking back 7 or 8 Whiskies. Believe me.
The rules are as follows:
If the dog is on the screen, you drink.
If that guy is on the screen, you drink.
Every time the dog barks, booze it.
One of those stupid kids yells something? It’s Miller time.
If the kids solve Blue’s Clues at the end, then you smoke some joints.
The ultimate goal of this game is to get really wasted. I am aware that some little kids watch this show. I am assuming they are child prodigies or baby geniuses. I don’t want to be accused of age discrimination (again) so these kids can booze it up too, but they may want to wait until they are at least 11 when it is more socially acceptable.
Let me know if you want in on my game so we can make it and make me money.
Yours,
X
P.S. I also wrote a NEW theme song for Blue’s Clues. Not “all” new but I took the beat from the song “Footloose” and wrote all new lyrics. By “all new” I mean whenever they say “footloose” I changed it to “Blue’s Clues.” Try it….it works.
Nick Jr
1515 Broadway
New York, NY 10036
Dear Nick Jr.,
I like the way you work it. Blue’s Clues is my favorite TV show. If I had to make a list of the 3 greatest TV shows of all time, it would be: 1) Cheers 2) St. Elsewhere 3) Blue’s Clues. Jake and The Fat Man runs a close #4.
I have been playing along with Blue’s Clues for almost 10 years now. I am GREAT. I kick ass at the “Which One is the Dog?” game. But alas…now that I am 33 the game doesn’t seem as challenging. I can tell which one of the 3 objects isn’t the apple in under 5 minutes.
To make the game more challenging, I recently invented Blue’s Clues: The Drinking Game, or Booze Clues as it is known around the office. It is MUCH harder to remember what Blue’s favorite color is after knocking back 7 or 8 Whiskies. Believe me.
The rules are as follows:
If the dog is on the screen, you drink.
If that guy is on the screen, you drink.
Every time the dog barks, booze it.
One of those stupid kids yells something? It’s Miller time.
If the kids solve Blue’s Clues at the end, then you smoke some joints.
The ultimate goal of this game is to get really wasted. I am aware that some little kids watch this show. I am assuming they are child prodigies or baby geniuses. I don’t want to be accused of age discrimination (again) so these kids can booze it up too, but they may want to wait until they are at least 11 when it is more socially acceptable.
Let me know if you want in on my game so we can make it and make me money.
Yours,
X
P.S. I also wrote a NEW theme song for Blue’s Clues. Not “all” new but I took the beat from the song “Footloose” and wrote all new lyrics. By “all new” I mean whenever they say “footloose” I changed it to “Blue’s Clues.” Try it….it works.
Letter to Super Fresh
I sent this off to the local food shop. They sent me back some harsh words.
Hey Super Fresh-
Deli meats. They are an important part of any super market. To me, they are the most important part. Right up there with the cereal section and bagel booth. You know the usual suspects: ham, pepperoni, bologna….I love them all! (I don't like pimento loaf, and therefore refuse to bestow it with deli meat status). I am VERY particular with my DELI meats however, and recently I have been VERY dissatisfied with your department. Let me speak on this.
My name is Edna. I am a working mother with 2 or 3 kids, and I work very hard at my job as a napkin production inspector specialist. After work, I like to unwind by doing THINGS. That's where your deli meats come in. Oh my, they are yummily tastetastic. Sometimes even lip-smackingly delectable! However, due to recent incidents in my life involving issues, I now like to have my deli meats sliced thin. THIN. Not "sort of thin" or "thicky thin." THIN. Not "medium thin" "semi thin" or "thinny deluxe." THIN! My slogan is "I like deli in my belly, but if it ain't thin it can't go in." Oh yes, so here is the situation.
It all went down like this. The past few times I have been in your "super" store to buy things such as waffles, a snickers, tangelos, juice boxes, razors, hash browns and marshmallows, I have also stopped by your deli division. When I request my desired meats to the meat person, I always politely smile and ask for them THIN. THIN THIN THIN. THIN!!!! Guess what. They come back anything but thin. This same massacre of meats happened three weeks in a row, and now I am FED UP WITH YOUR MEATS. (This is ironic since I haven't actually been "fed" by them at all recently.)
How hard is it to slice deli meats thin? I mean come on. THIN! This is the year 2000-something. We've put some people on the moon and invented the pocket fisherman. One would assume we could accomplish the thin slicing of deli meats with unfailing consistency. WRONG. THIN! Now, I don't want to get anyone in particular in your department in trouble, but I felt this was something VERY important to bring to your attention immediately so you could take care of this chaos and bring the meats situation back to the better times. Guess what! As of right now, I will now get my deli meats cut at the Acme(s), where they actually LISTEN to their customers and are actually able to cut deli meats THIN. WOW!!! Also, they have a sale on fruit snacks. Until this state of affairs is fixed, you can find me at Acme(s). Good bye Super Fresh. Or should I say "Not So-Super Fresh."
Yours Always N Forever,
X
Hey Super Fresh-
Deli meats. They are an important part of any super market. To me, they are the most important part. Right up there with the cereal section and bagel booth. You know the usual suspects: ham, pepperoni, bologna….I love them all! (I don't like pimento loaf, and therefore refuse to bestow it with deli meat status). I am VERY particular with my DELI meats however, and recently I have been VERY dissatisfied with your department. Let me speak on this.
My name is Edna. I am a working mother with 2 or 3 kids, and I work very hard at my job as a napkin production inspector specialist. After work, I like to unwind by doing THINGS. That's where your deli meats come in. Oh my, they are yummily tastetastic. Sometimes even lip-smackingly delectable! However, due to recent incidents in my life involving issues, I now like to have my deli meats sliced thin. THIN. Not "sort of thin" or "thicky thin." THIN. Not "medium thin" "semi thin" or "thinny deluxe." THIN! My slogan is "I like deli in my belly, but if it ain't thin it can't go in." Oh yes, so here is the situation.
It all went down like this. The past few times I have been in your "super" store to buy things such as waffles, a snickers, tangelos, juice boxes, razors, hash browns and marshmallows, I have also stopped by your deli division. When I request my desired meats to the meat person, I always politely smile and ask for them THIN. THIN THIN THIN. THIN!!!! Guess what. They come back anything but thin. This same massacre of meats happened three weeks in a row, and now I am FED UP WITH YOUR MEATS. (This is ironic since I haven't actually been "fed" by them at all recently.)
How hard is it to slice deli meats thin? I mean come on. THIN! This is the year 2000-something. We've put some people on the moon and invented the pocket fisherman. One would assume we could accomplish the thin slicing of deli meats with unfailing consistency. WRONG. THIN! Now, I don't want to get anyone in particular in your department in trouble, but I felt this was something VERY important to bring to your attention immediately so you could take care of this chaos and bring the meats situation back to the better times. Guess what! As of right now, I will now get my deli meats cut at the Acme(s), where they actually LISTEN to their customers and are actually able to cut deli meats THIN. WOW!!! Also, they have a sale on fruit snacks. Until this state of affairs is fixed, you can find me at Acme(s). Good bye Super Fresh. Or should I say "Not So-Super Fresh."
Yours Always N Forever,
X
Letter to the Mint
*Never sent this one, for obvious reasons.*
Dear U$ Mint-
I like money! I just wanted to thank you for making it. I like money so much that I tend to collect it. Sometimes, I'll even carry it around with me. In my pants. I am such a big fan of money that I even have to store it in a bank! Wait. I do have some problems though. Problems with the currency. Hopefully I can "change" your mind. HAHAHAHA…change!! The laugh doctor is in!!! You can "bill" me later!!! HAHAHAHA …bill!!!
I am getting very tired of seeing the same people on the same denominations of bills. Every time I reach into my wallet, Washington, Lincoln or Stevenson is starring back at me. They were all fine Presidents, and I love them, but I think it's time to move on. They are hogging the spotlight from other people. I think we have "paid" them their due respect by placing them on various coins and dollars for the better part of the past 25 years. In order for our country to grow, and prosper we have to start honoring other peeps as well. Our currency needs a "face lift" (hahaha). I wouldn't want to wear the same pants that people did 30 years ago, so why should I be using the same money? THINK ABOUT IT.
How about giving some other *EDIT EDIT EDIT* (sorry, I can't post this part). Personally, I'd like to see Taft on my 1 dollar bill. "That will be 4 Tafts, please." Then me and the shop keep could discuss the former President. What about Nixon? Everybody loved him, so what not stick him on the 20? People always inspect 20 dollar bills, because they think they might be illegal. This would be ironic, and people would laugh! Or maybe even an entire series of Presidential pets. From Clinton's Socks, to Johnson's beagle to Lincoln's slaves. It would be fun! OH! Or what about a series with the Presidents wearing funny hats!! With a caption that has them saying, "Show me the money!!!"
Also, I don't like the color of money anymore. BORING!! My friend Gus says green is very 80's. I don't need people giving me dirty looks when I use out of style money. What about pink? Blue? Orange? Green? Or Banana? And lets change the shapes of the bills. Ewwwww rectangles!!! I'd like my money to be twice the size, and in the shape of a trapezoid. Also, they should be scratch and sniff. Possibly 3D.
Why not just get rid of the Presidents all together? I'd like to see a celebrity series. Everybody likes celebrities. We could harvest them from the covers of today hippest magazines. Think of the possibilities! Justin Timberlake on the 1. Tom Hanks on the 5. J-lo "On the Six" (HAHAHAHAHA Get it??? That was the name of her cd!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA). Steve Guttenberg could hold down the 20, while Carson Daily would put the 50-dollar bill over with "the kids."
These are just some of my ideas, but I have lots more. Remind me to tell you about my plan to convert all coins over to Poggs. Let me know what you think of MY ideas as soon as possible, and then we'll set up a meeting at the most convenient time for me. By the way, my friend told me that on the 5,000-dollar bill, there is a picture of the 1957 St. Louis Cardinals. Is this true? That seems pretty silly.
-ME
Dear U$ Mint-
I like money! I just wanted to thank you for making it. I like money so much that I tend to collect it. Sometimes, I'll even carry it around with me. In my pants. I am such a big fan of money that I even have to store it in a bank! Wait. I do have some problems though. Problems with the currency. Hopefully I can "change" your mind. HAHAHAHA…change!! The laugh doctor is in!!! You can "bill" me later!!! HAHAHAHA …bill!!!
I am getting very tired of seeing the same people on the same denominations of bills. Every time I reach into my wallet, Washington, Lincoln or Stevenson is starring back at me. They were all fine Presidents, and I love them, but I think it's time to move on. They are hogging the spotlight from other people. I think we have "paid" them their due respect by placing them on various coins and dollars for the better part of the past 25 years. In order for our country to grow, and prosper we have to start honoring other peeps as well. Our currency needs a "face lift" (hahaha). I wouldn't want to wear the same pants that people did 30 years ago, so why should I be using the same money? THINK ABOUT IT.
How about giving some other *EDIT EDIT EDIT* (sorry, I can't post this part). Personally, I'd like to see Taft on my 1 dollar bill. "That will be 4 Tafts, please." Then me and the shop keep could discuss the former President. What about Nixon? Everybody loved him, so what not stick him on the 20? People always inspect 20 dollar bills, because they think they might be illegal. This would be ironic, and people would laugh! Or maybe even an entire series of Presidential pets. From Clinton's Socks, to Johnson's beagle to Lincoln's slaves. It would be fun! OH! Or what about a series with the Presidents wearing funny hats!! With a caption that has them saying, "Show me the money!!!"
Also, I don't like the color of money anymore. BORING!! My friend Gus says green is very 80's. I don't need people giving me dirty looks when I use out of style money. What about pink? Blue? Orange? Green? Or Banana? And lets change the shapes of the bills. Ewwwww rectangles!!! I'd like my money to be twice the size, and in the shape of a trapezoid. Also, they should be scratch and sniff. Possibly 3D.
Why not just get rid of the Presidents all together? I'd like to see a celebrity series. Everybody likes celebrities. We could harvest them from the covers of today hippest magazines. Think of the possibilities! Justin Timberlake on the 1. Tom Hanks on the 5. J-lo "On the Six" (HAHAHAHAHA Get it??? That was the name of her cd!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA). Steve Guttenberg could hold down the 20, while Carson Daily would put the 50-dollar bill over with "the kids."
These are just some of my ideas, but I have lots more. Remind me to tell you about my plan to convert all coins over to Poggs. Let me know what you think of MY ideas as soon as possible, and then we'll set up a meeting at the most convenient time for me. By the way, my friend told me that on the 5,000-dollar bill, there is a picture of the 1957 St. Louis Cardinals. Is this true? That seems pretty silly.
-ME
Letter to KMART
I wrote this letter to K-Mart....and yes, I really did include the pictures.
CEO Julian C. Day
Kmart Headquarters
3100 W. Big Beaver Rd.
Troy, MI
48084
Dear Julian,
Attention Kmart CEO's, there is currently a situation "brewing" at your Somers Point shopping megaplex. The name is Jimmy Sprinkles, but you can call me….anytime. Recently I stopped by your Somers Point store to buy a popcorn tin. It was the one with pictures of kittens playing with yarn. I was happy with all of the kittens, except the brownish one, who wasn't adorable enough for me. But lets get down to "fizz-ness"….
As I was leaving your store {:*( }I saw two soda or "sody" machines. They each had a massive white sticker on the corner that read "1.00." I reached into my pocket and pulled out a shinny new dollar bill. I quickly rushed inside to the cashier, slapped that dollar on the counter and told the cashier that I wanted to buy that Coke machine outside and here is the dollar. She laughed in my face. So then I said, "fine, I'll take the Pepsi machine instead." More laughs ensued at my expense. Embarrassed and angry I grabbed my kitten popcorn tin and stormed out of your store as tears rolled down my face.
Why couldn't I buy that Coke machine for a dollar as advertised? The sticker on it clearly let me know what the price was, however your store failed to honor it. The lady said that price was only for individual sodas, yet it was the MACHINE that was labeled. Now…would I buy a kitten popcorn tin and expect to pay the sticker price for just ONE kernal? I don't think so. MEOW. Your store used deceitful and ill hearted tactics.
I have enclosed several pictures for evidence. One is of me looking at the 1.00 sign with a very big confused look on my face. The second is of me holding a dollar while pointing to the sign looking very angry. The third is of me grabbing the Coke machine and looking very STUNNED. The fourth is a picture of me at the Grand Canyon when I was 6 and there is mustard all over my face. I included this because I looked adorable. Please take care of this situation so I know when I can pick up my soda machine and give you a dollar. (tax?)
Sincerely,
ME
CEO Julian C. Day
Kmart Headquarters
3100 W. Big Beaver Rd.
Troy, MI
48084
Dear Julian,
Attention Kmart CEO's, there is currently a situation "brewing" at your Somers Point shopping megaplex. The name is Jimmy Sprinkles, but you can call me….anytime. Recently I stopped by your Somers Point store to buy a popcorn tin. It was the one with pictures of kittens playing with yarn. I was happy with all of the kittens, except the brownish one, who wasn't adorable enough for me. But lets get down to "fizz-ness"….
As I was leaving your store {:*( }I saw two soda or "sody" machines. They each had a massive white sticker on the corner that read "1.00." I reached into my pocket and pulled out a shinny new dollar bill. I quickly rushed inside to the cashier, slapped that dollar on the counter and told the cashier that I wanted to buy that Coke machine outside and here is the dollar. She laughed in my face. So then I said, "fine, I'll take the Pepsi machine instead." More laughs ensued at my expense. Embarrassed and angry I grabbed my kitten popcorn tin and stormed out of your store as tears rolled down my face.
Why couldn't I buy that Coke machine for a dollar as advertised? The sticker on it clearly let me know what the price was, however your store failed to honor it. The lady said that price was only for individual sodas, yet it was the MACHINE that was labeled. Now…would I buy a kitten popcorn tin and expect to pay the sticker price for just ONE kernal? I don't think so. MEOW. Your store used deceitful and ill hearted tactics.
I have enclosed several pictures for evidence. One is of me looking at the 1.00 sign with a very big confused look on my face. The second is of me holding a dollar while pointing to the sign looking very angry. The third is of me grabbing the Coke machine and looking very STUNNED. The fourth is a picture of me at the Grand Canyon when I was 6 and there is mustard all over my face. I included this because I looked adorable. Please take care of this situation so I know when I can pick up my soda machine and give you a dollar. (tax?)
Sincerely,
ME
Letter to KFC
At some point in my life I wrote this letter to KFC. This was back in the day when KFC still stood for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
KFC
1441 Gardiner Lane
Louisville, KY
40213
Dear Mr. Sanders
ELEVEN. It's a powerful little number. How old was I when I first savored KFC? ELEVEN. How many different KFCs have I visited in my lifetime? ELEVEN. And what's the eleventh letter of the alphabet? You got it….K! As in KFC. Why is eleven such an amazingly KFC-tastic number? I think we all know the answer to this…the ELEVEN herbs and spices!!
I love KFC. I love it more than anything in this world. From the darkest darks to whitest whites and all shades of meat in between, KFC is without a doubt the BEST food ever made in a deep fryer! I eat at KFC at least 10 times a week. Each morning my sister and I arrive at your store at the stroke of ELEVEN to sink our teeth into a savory fresh biscuit. And on various evenings I treat the family to buckets of KFC, with a side order of love. Your restaurant has brought us all together and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Until YESTERDAY.
I had just gotten finished with my volunteer work down at the nursing home when my friend Cherri and I pulled into your store located in beautiful Somers Point, New Jersey. It was late but judging by the clocks your store would be open for at least another 20 minutes! As soon as we walked in the man behind the counter said, "aw, come on ladies, get outa here. I'm trying to leave." He was being VERY rude. I said "oh are you closing soon?" and he gets snippy and says, " I am TRYING to." I countered this meanness with kindness and asked to just have it to go. He barks back "It don't matta' I still gotsta cook." Then he glared at us and I got frightened and we left. I called the next day and a woman slightly apologized, however I am still VERY angry with the way your Somers Point store is run.
I was a life long customer. Let me just tell you that that honor has been (chicken) stripped away from you. Who turns loyal customers away prior to closing?! That is shoddy management. I suggest you get to the bottom of this and learn how to hire competent people who know how to read a clock and don't intimidate their customers into leaving the store HUNGRY. I then had to eat at a Denny's that night for God's sake.
Your slogan claims "There is Fast Food…Then There's KFC!!!" Well to me fast food is better than NO food. What would the real colonel think of how you run this store? Surely he would be upset and sad that I was not allowed to savor his herbs.
As of this letter all of my family and friends will sever ALL ties to the KFC. We will NEVER eat at your so-called "family friendly" restaurants ever again until we are confident that we will be treated with RESPECT. I am outraged by your low store standards and I expect for you to write my family back very quickly to explain these unacceptable actions. Your entire chain should feel ashamed of yourselves. Goodbye…forever?
Regretfully,
ME
KFC
1441 Gardiner Lane
Louisville, KY
40213
Dear Mr. Sanders
ELEVEN. It's a powerful little number. How old was I when I first savored KFC? ELEVEN. How many different KFCs have I visited in my lifetime? ELEVEN. And what's the eleventh letter of the alphabet? You got it….K! As in KFC. Why is eleven such an amazingly KFC-tastic number? I think we all know the answer to this…the ELEVEN herbs and spices!!
I love KFC. I love it more than anything in this world. From the darkest darks to whitest whites and all shades of meat in between, KFC is without a doubt the BEST food ever made in a deep fryer! I eat at KFC at least 10 times a week. Each morning my sister and I arrive at your store at the stroke of ELEVEN to sink our teeth into a savory fresh biscuit. And on various evenings I treat the family to buckets of KFC, with a side order of love. Your restaurant has brought us all together and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Until YESTERDAY.
I had just gotten finished with my volunteer work down at the nursing home when my friend Cherri and I pulled into your store located in beautiful Somers Point, New Jersey. It was late but judging by the clocks your store would be open for at least another 20 minutes! As soon as we walked in the man behind the counter said, "aw, come on ladies, get outa here. I'm trying to leave." He was being VERY rude. I said "oh are you closing soon?" and he gets snippy and says, " I am TRYING to." I countered this meanness with kindness and asked to just have it to go. He barks back "It don't matta' I still gotsta cook." Then he glared at us and I got frightened and we left. I called the next day and a woman slightly apologized, however I am still VERY angry with the way your Somers Point store is run.
I was a life long customer. Let me just tell you that that honor has been (chicken) stripped away from you. Who turns loyal customers away prior to closing?! That is shoddy management. I suggest you get to the bottom of this and learn how to hire competent people who know how to read a clock and don't intimidate their customers into leaving the store HUNGRY. I then had to eat at a Denny's that night for God's sake.
Your slogan claims "There is Fast Food…Then There's KFC!!!" Well to me fast food is better than NO food. What would the real colonel think of how you run this store? Surely he would be upset and sad that I was not allowed to savor his herbs.
As of this letter all of my family and friends will sever ALL ties to the KFC. We will NEVER eat at your so-called "family friendly" restaurants ever again until we are confident that we will be treated with RESPECT. I am outraged by your low store standards and I expect for you to write my family back very quickly to explain these unacceptable actions. Your entire chain should feel ashamed of yourselves. Goodbye…forever?
Regretfully,
ME
Letter to McDonald's
Here is a letter I wrote to McDonald's after I found a hair in my burger.
McDonald's
2087 RT. 9, Cedar Square
Seaville, NJ
08230
To Whom It May Concern:
I have a "beef" with you. I would like to bring your attention to a shocking incident that occurred on Friday, January 24th, 2002. Let me back track here.
I am a hungry man. I work in the Seaville area and many times my hungriness is battled magnificently by your McDonalds. I am sorry to inform you that on Friday….McDonald's lost the battle and possible the war. After a long hard morning of work I was ridiculously hungry, so I took my break and drove over to your "clean" eatery. At the drive thru I placed my order for a double cheeseburger. Keeping it snugly in the bag, I waited till I got back to work to unravel the beefy warrior that would slay my man hunger.
I opened the wrapper, picked up the burger and my jaw opened wide. Unfortunately it didn't open to eat. It opened due to SHOCK. For that's when I saw it. A MASSIVE hair sticking out of the cheeseburger. At this point I'd like to say that I almost lost my lunch….but I had "nothing to lose." I lifted up the top of the bun and tugged on that hair. It was encased in melted cheese. I cannot explain enough how SICKENING this is. I quickly called over all my co-workers and showed this atrocity to them. One cried. Others were overheard to yell "I am NEVER eating at the Seaville McDonalds again!"
According to the McDonald's website, cheeseburgers (for me doubled) include:
"100% beef patty, bun, American cheese slice, ketchup, mustard, pickles, onions, salt, pepper."
Nowhere on that list do I see a massive hair. Pickles….yes. But no mention of hair. Was this some kind of sick joke?? I am not laughing.
Thanks to this incident my lunch break was ruined and I had to work the rest of the day UNGODLY hungry. Between all my co-workers and me , we spend an enormous amount of Mcmoney at your McDonald's. Those days are OVER. Luckily for us there is a Wendy's down the road where they know how to create SANITARY food. I don't want to get any employee in trouble, however I suggest you do something to fix the way your restaurant is run and "clean" up your act. Please get back to me on this hairy situation. Also, I have taped the hair in question to the bottom of this page.
Sincerely,
ME
McDonald's
2087 RT. 9, Cedar Square
Seaville, NJ
08230
To Whom It May Concern:
I have a "beef" with you. I would like to bring your attention to a shocking incident that occurred on Friday, January 24th, 2002. Let me back track here.
I am a hungry man. I work in the Seaville area and many times my hungriness is battled magnificently by your McDonalds. I am sorry to inform you that on Friday….McDonald's lost the battle and possible the war. After a long hard morning of work I was ridiculously hungry, so I took my break and drove over to your "clean" eatery. At the drive thru I placed my order for a double cheeseburger. Keeping it snugly in the bag, I waited till I got back to work to unravel the beefy warrior that would slay my man hunger.
I opened the wrapper, picked up the burger and my jaw opened wide. Unfortunately it didn't open to eat. It opened due to SHOCK. For that's when I saw it. A MASSIVE hair sticking out of the cheeseburger. At this point I'd like to say that I almost lost my lunch….but I had "nothing to lose." I lifted up the top of the bun and tugged on that hair. It was encased in melted cheese. I cannot explain enough how SICKENING this is. I quickly called over all my co-workers and showed this atrocity to them. One cried. Others were overheard to yell "I am NEVER eating at the Seaville McDonalds again!"
According to the McDonald's website, cheeseburgers (for me doubled) include:
"100% beef patty, bun, American cheese slice, ketchup, mustard, pickles, onions, salt, pepper."
Nowhere on that list do I see a massive hair. Pickles….yes. But no mention of hair. Was this some kind of sick joke?? I am not laughing.
Thanks to this incident my lunch break was ruined and I had to work the rest of the day UNGODLY hungry. Between all my co-workers and me , we spend an enormous amount of Mcmoney at your McDonald's. Those days are OVER. Luckily for us there is a Wendy's down the road where they know how to create SANITARY food. I don't want to get any employee in trouble, however I suggest you do something to fix the way your restaurant is run and "clean" up your act. Please get back to me on this hairy situation. Also, I have taped the hair in question to the bottom of this page.
Sincerely,
ME
My Letter to Wal Mart
I wrote this letter to Wal Mart....those big corporate bastards.
Mr. Lee Scott, President
Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
P O Box 116
Bentonville, AR 72712-9956
Dear Mr. President-
Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming PRESIDENT of Wal Mart. How did you get to be president? I was never informed of any election. This is America, damnit and we have the right to vote for our pressydents. Who ran against you? Anybody? This so-called "election" seems to be rigged worse than half the crap on your shelves. Regardless, I still want to be the Wal Mart president. I will run against you in the next "election." I have a VERY controversial stance on Pokemon vs. Digimon. Now onto why I don't like Wal Mart.
True story: I am highly afraid of coming into your store for fear of being hit on the head by these "falling prices." Is this some sort of sick joke!? What if I was walking through the dog food isle (for fun) and I got hit on the head by a 2? Or even worse, an 8? I could be seriously hurt. I would NOT be on cloud "9" but instead in "7th" heaven....or worse, i could get stuck with 666 (one time your store accused me of stealing, so I am not sure how God will be impacted by that upon his review of my life). Do you pass out hardhats maybe? I'm not supplying my own. And you'd have to give me one that at least matches my outfit (think pink!). I suggest you patch up this leak pronto, Tonto.
I also fear that swashbuckling yellow smiling face that I see in your commercials. You know who I am talking about. It flies around your store wearing an eye patch while carrying a massive sword. What the hell is going on?!?! It tries to fool people by smiling all the time...BUT ITS NOT LIKE WE CAN'T SEE THE PIRATE HAT. I see that it goes around slashing things such as (falling) prices. What's next on the chopping block? Babies? How do I know that this yellow deamon might not be gunning for me next!? And is this murdurer actually on payroll? It makes the Hamburglar seem like JESUS. I don't want to fight, but if I see that bastard coming towards me, I will buy a gun/feather duster and shoot/tickle until I TAKE IT OUT.
Why do you think your store is so great that you let other stores inside of it? EXAMPLE: McDonald's. That's a stupid way of doing business don't we think so? You already sell food there! That's like me opening up a store that sells giant novelty foam hands, THEN letting a store inside my store that sells giant novelty foam fingers and super size fries. GROSS!!! And if you ARE going to have a store inside your store, why not a universal dump? This way all the world's garbage can be found under one roof.
Why do the Olsen twins get their own line of clothing at your stores yet the rest of the Full House cast gets left out in the cold? Did your heartless corporation even stop a minute to think about Bob Saget or John Stamos? Think of the possibilities! "Attention Customers! There is a sale on our Saget Slacks!" OR "Buy your Uncle Jessie hair gel now...and HAVE MERCEY!" And don't forget about Dave Coulier scissors (Cut it out!!!).
You need to get your act together if you think Wal Mart can cut it in this world. I'm going to be honest. I don't think your store will be around too much longer. and by the way....its spelled WALL not Wal.
The next President of Wal Mart-
-ME
Mr. Lee Scott, President
Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
P O Box 116
Bentonville, AR 72712-9956
Dear Mr. President-
Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming PRESIDENT of Wal Mart. How did you get to be president? I was never informed of any election. This is America, damnit and we have the right to vote for our pressydents. Who ran against you? Anybody? This so-called "election" seems to be rigged worse than half the crap on your shelves. Regardless, I still want to be the Wal Mart president. I will run against you in the next "election." I have a VERY controversial stance on Pokemon vs. Digimon. Now onto why I don't like Wal Mart.
True story: I am highly afraid of coming into your store for fear of being hit on the head by these "falling prices." Is this some sort of sick joke!? What if I was walking through the dog food isle (for fun) and I got hit on the head by a 2? Or even worse, an 8? I could be seriously hurt. I would NOT be on cloud "9" but instead in "7th" heaven....or worse, i could get stuck with 666 (one time your store accused me of stealing, so I am not sure how God will be impacted by that upon his review of my life). Do you pass out hardhats maybe? I'm not supplying my own. And you'd have to give me one that at least matches my outfit (think pink!). I suggest you patch up this leak pronto, Tonto.
I also fear that swashbuckling yellow smiling face that I see in your commercials. You know who I am talking about. It flies around your store wearing an eye patch while carrying a massive sword. What the hell is going on?!?! It tries to fool people by smiling all the time...BUT ITS NOT LIKE WE CAN'T SEE THE PIRATE HAT. I see that it goes around slashing things such as (falling) prices. What's next on the chopping block? Babies? How do I know that this yellow deamon might not be gunning for me next!? And is this murdurer actually on payroll? It makes the Hamburglar seem like JESUS. I don't want to fight, but if I see that bastard coming towards me, I will buy a gun/feather duster and shoot/tickle until I TAKE IT OUT.
Why do you think your store is so great that you let other stores inside of it? EXAMPLE: McDonald's. That's a stupid way of doing business don't we think so? You already sell food there! That's like me opening up a store that sells giant novelty foam hands, THEN letting a store inside my store that sells giant novelty foam fingers and super size fries. GROSS!!! And if you ARE going to have a store inside your store, why not a universal dump? This way all the world's garbage can be found under one roof.
Why do the Olsen twins get their own line of clothing at your stores yet the rest of the Full House cast gets left out in the cold? Did your heartless corporation even stop a minute to think about Bob Saget or John Stamos? Think of the possibilities! "Attention Customers! There is a sale on our Saget Slacks!" OR "Buy your Uncle Jessie hair gel now...and HAVE MERCEY!" And don't forget about Dave Coulier scissors (Cut it out!!!).
You need to get your act together if you think Wal Mart can cut it in this world. I'm going to be honest. I don't think your store will be around too much longer. and by the way....its spelled WALL not Wal.
The next President of Wal Mart-
-ME
Letter to Ellio's Pizza
I sent this off to Ellio's pizza and they sent me coupons...
Ellio's Pizza
555 Hickory Farm Lane
Appletown WI
54914
To The Fine People Whose Job It Is To Put The Cheese On Ellios Pizza-
Guys, I think we have a problem on our hands. It's a cheesy problem. Well, not "cheesy" per se, but a problem involving cheese. In particular, the quantity of cheese that can be found on Ellios pizza at any given time. The other night (a Tuesday) I found the amount of cheese on my pizza to be VERY inadequate. Wait, let me back track here. Ok?
I've been a loyal user of Ellios brand pizzas for the past 7 or 9 years (save a brief period in 1996 due to personal issues involving lactose). Those times were amazingly terrific. I was a huge and loyal fan of Ellios pizza. Even though there may be fancier frozen pizza brands out there, or better tasting brands, or cheaper brands, or brands with a prettier box, I have ALWAYS been loyal to Ellios, because I knew I could TRUST them. As a shopper (and a human being person) trust is very important to me. As of last Tuesday night (around 7:30pm) that trust has been destroyed.
To properly convey my emotions, I will now retype, word for word, the section of my diary, I mean journal, from late Tuesday night that pertained to said pizza incident.
Dear Journal-
Today was one of the worst days ever. Jenny decided to end our relationship on the eve of our 14 month anniversary, after an argument we had involving the where abouts of my sweaters. I know she gave them to Lance. Regardless, I will miss her, and I hope she and my sweaters come back to me soon. Due to all the confusion over my sweaters, I completely forgot that Danny and Jesse from work were coming over to eat dinner. They would be over in 10 minutes, and I had nothing to prepare for them, and no time to go buy something (you know how particular they are as pertains to punctuality!). Instantly I remembered that I still had a fresh, full box of Ellios awaiting me in my fridge. What a stroke of luck! Ellios to the rescue!!! I opened the box and without looking at them really, I popped all 3-rectangle shapes into the oven…the time was ticking! Just as Danny and Jesse rang the doorbell, the timer for the pizza went off. PHEW! I let them in, and Jesse immediately said, "Joey, it smells like pizza in here! We are SO hungry." Then Danny said, "We have been in very important meetings all day. We are ready for some good food! Oh, here is the Bone Thugs CD you let me borrow." I dashed over to the oven, and pulled out the slices and placed them all on 3 plates. Suddenly I had to do a double take. Upon looking at the pizza again, my heart sank. THE CHEESE ON THE PIZZA WAS VIRTUALLY 40% LESS THEN NORMAL. I was so embarrassed, what would Danny and Jesse think?!?! (You know how particular they are as pertains to taste!) Praying that they wouldn't notice, I sprinkled lots of Italian herbs over the pizza to disguise this atrocity. As I placed the plates right in the place Danny and Jesse were placed, my heart was racing. Suddenly, there was an awkward silence. "Where is the cheese," Danny asked in a serious tone. I didn't know what to say. Jesse quickly snapped "I'm not eating this with all this cheese missing. This is an outrage!" I tried to explain, but it was no use. They found this insulting and quickly left. I know I will be the laughing stock of the office tomorrow. Oh God, what is happening to me. What did I do to deserve this bad pizza? Why? Why? Why!?!
P.S. I just found the sweaters under my bed in a box. Ah well.
Honestly, Ellios people. I am still shocked here. I checked inside the empty box, AND the pan, and there really weren't any cheese crumbs that may have just fallen off. This problem must have occurred at your pizza factory. Is this the new way you are making Ellios now? With 40% less cheese??? I know financially times may be tough right now, but cutting cheese (no pun intended) is not the answer. I will not risk purchasing Ellios pizza again until I know that there again will be enough cheese on my pizza (your "Extra Cheese" brand is too much cheese for me, though). Can you please tell me what went wrong with my pizza???? I don't know what to do here. As hard as this is for me to say…..as of right now, I am no longer an Ellios customer.
Regretfully,
ME
Ellio's Pizza
555 Hickory Farm Lane
Appletown WI
54914
To The Fine People Whose Job It Is To Put The Cheese On Ellios Pizza-
Guys, I think we have a problem on our hands. It's a cheesy problem. Well, not "cheesy" per se, but a problem involving cheese. In particular, the quantity of cheese that can be found on Ellios pizza at any given time. The other night (a Tuesday) I found the amount of cheese on my pizza to be VERY inadequate. Wait, let me back track here. Ok?
I've been a loyal user of Ellios brand pizzas for the past 7 or 9 years (save a brief period in 1996 due to personal issues involving lactose). Those times were amazingly terrific. I was a huge and loyal fan of Ellios pizza. Even though there may be fancier frozen pizza brands out there, or better tasting brands, or cheaper brands, or brands with a prettier box, I have ALWAYS been loyal to Ellios, because I knew I could TRUST them. As a shopper (and a human being person) trust is very important to me. As of last Tuesday night (around 7:30pm) that trust has been destroyed.
To properly convey my emotions, I will now retype, word for word, the section of my diary, I mean journal, from late Tuesday night that pertained to said pizza incident.
Dear Journal-
Today was one of the worst days ever. Jenny decided to end our relationship on the eve of our 14 month anniversary, after an argument we had involving the where abouts of my sweaters. I know she gave them to Lance. Regardless, I will miss her, and I hope she and my sweaters come back to me soon. Due to all the confusion over my sweaters, I completely forgot that Danny and Jesse from work were coming over to eat dinner. They would be over in 10 minutes, and I had nothing to prepare for them, and no time to go buy something (you know how particular they are as pertains to punctuality!). Instantly I remembered that I still had a fresh, full box of Ellios awaiting me in my fridge. What a stroke of luck! Ellios to the rescue!!! I opened the box and without looking at them really, I popped all 3-rectangle shapes into the oven…the time was ticking! Just as Danny and Jesse rang the doorbell, the timer for the pizza went off. PHEW! I let them in, and Jesse immediately said, "Joey, it smells like pizza in here! We are SO hungry." Then Danny said, "We have been in very important meetings all day. We are ready for some good food! Oh, here is the Bone Thugs CD you let me borrow." I dashed over to the oven, and pulled out the slices and placed them all on 3 plates. Suddenly I had to do a double take. Upon looking at the pizza again, my heart sank. THE CHEESE ON THE PIZZA WAS VIRTUALLY 40% LESS THEN NORMAL. I was so embarrassed, what would Danny and Jesse think?!?! (You know how particular they are as pertains to taste!) Praying that they wouldn't notice, I sprinkled lots of Italian herbs over the pizza to disguise this atrocity. As I placed the plates right in the place Danny and Jesse were placed, my heart was racing. Suddenly, there was an awkward silence. "Where is the cheese," Danny asked in a serious tone. I didn't know what to say. Jesse quickly snapped "I'm not eating this with all this cheese missing. This is an outrage!" I tried to explain, but it was no use. They found this insulting and quickly left. I know I will be the laughing stock of the office tomorrow. Oh God, what is happening to me. What did I do to deserve this bad pizza? Why? Why? Why!?!
P.S. I just found the sweaters under my bed in a box. Ah well.
Honestly, Ellios people. I am still shocked here. I checked inside the empty box, AND the pan, and there really weren't any cheese crumbs that may have just fallen off. This problem must have occurred at your pizza factory. Is this the new way you are making Ellios now? With 40% less cheese??? I know financially times may be tough right now, but cutting cheese (no pun intended) is not the answer. I will not risk purchasing Ellios pizza again until I know that there again will be enough cheese on my pizza (your "Extra Cheese" brand is too much cheese for me, though). Can you please tell me what went wrong with my pizza???? I don't know what to do here. As hard as this is for me to say…..as of right now, I am no longer an Ellios customer.
Regretfully,
ME
Letter to the Philadelphia Zoo
I sent this puppy off to the local zoo. Bunch of animals they are.
Philadelphia Zoo
3400 West Girard Avenue
Philadelphia, PA
19104-1196
Hey man, what’s up? I just wanted to tell you that I really like what you have done with your museum of puppies. I give it a great round of “a-paws” (applause). And also, I need you to check your lost and found for me A.S.A.Q.P.Q. for I believe I left something behind at your zoo….my heart. Just hold on and let me explain, as mine truly is the most amazing “tail” (OMG LOL!!) EVER told that involves a woman, a chimp, 3 penguins, a mule, 7 cherry ice pops, another mule and my soul. All of which took place inside your zooniverse.
It all started on a surprisingly chilly April morning, a morning that was full of surprises and took place on a Saturday. BIG Surprise. I had just flown in from Australia where I was visiting my internet girlfriend candycanelilly27. Long story short: Once Upon A Time…THE END. Anyways, once I arrived in Australia I realized that my candycanelilly was more like a candycaneMITCH. That’s right, I had spent 7 years E-dating a MAN :*( He was cute, but I am not into men….yet. SIGH.
Yeah, so when I came home that Thursday I went to your zoo. Looking at depressed caged animals whose entire lives are doomed to be a spectacle for humans is the best way to put a smile on my face like this: :) . I started out by visiting your new Baboon Bayou. Next I moved on to your Wild Wild West Dolphin Shoot Out. How did you get them to wear those funny hats?! Just before lunch I swung by your Lazer and Lights and Seagulls Showcase inside that barn to catch the 11:45 show. It was sub par (Too many lazers, not enough lights and seagulls). While exiting, that’s where I saw her. The most beautiful woman ever. Standing under a tree, her hair blowing in the breeze, just like mom used to make. I went over, my face tinged with red and asked her to lunch. She looked up, saw me then made this weird face and slapped me.
When I was walking away one of the Show seagulls must have escaped and it pooped on my head. Just then another OK-looking girl came over and helped me clean the droppings off of my face. I wondered why she was being so nice. Then she showed me her forehead where she too had been pooped on. We were connected by the very same “gifts” from up above. Surely this was a sign by God. I called her my little sea-gal, and she called me her little sea-gal, too.
We spent the rest if our zoo day together. It was pure ZOO-bilation! In between poking some animals with sticks and feeding cupcakes to the monkeys, we would sneak kisses. I was in LOVE. I went over to you souvenir shop in hopes of buying her an engagement ring, but they must have been sold out. Instead, I got her a funny shirt that said “Just ZOO It.” Just before 5pm, she said she had to go to the bathroom, so I waited outside. I waited and waited and waited. I waited more. And MORE. Then I stopped waiting. Then I resumed waiting. SHE NEVER CAME BACK. She left me:*( As I was exiting your zoo I saw her outside in the parking lot. She was cleaning the poop off of another man’s head. Then I saw them kiss:*( Why!! Why ME!? WHY!? I tried to run after her, but they sped off in his Jaguar. IF YOUR ZOO JUS HAD THE ENGAGEMENT RINGS THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.
Now I am broken hearted. No amount of Wild Wild West Dolphin Shoot Outs will restore even 27% of my heart. BUT with your help I WILL find her again. I need your zoo to spread the word and keep an eye for her. She is 5’5’’ and has brown hair and is a girl. She likes to wear sneakers and jeans and long sleeve shirts. If you see someone who looks like this please contact me right away. She answers to the name Janet. I haven’t tried them, but she may also answer to the names Pippy, Soaps or Shantel.
I look forward to hearing from you soon so I can get my life back on track. Also, could you please tell me how much it would cost to rent out 3 lions for the afternoon? I need them for revenge. Thanks a bunch!
Hugs and Kisses,
ME
Philadelphia Zoo
3400 West Girard Avenue
Philadelphia, PA
19104-1196
Hey man, what’s up? I just wanted to tell you that I really like what you have done with your museum of puppies. I give it a great round of “a-paws” (applause). And also, I need you to check your lost and found for me A.S.A.Q.P.Q. for I believe I left something behind at your zoo….my heart. Just hold on and let me explain, as mine truly is the most amazing “tail” (OMG LOL!!) EVER told that involves a woman, a chimp, 3 penguins, a mule, 7 cherry ice pops, another mule and my soul. All of which took place inside your zooniverse.
It all started on a surprisingly chilly April morning, a morning that was full of surprises and took place on a Saturday. BIG Surprise. I had just flown in from Australia where I was visiting my internet girlfriend candycanelilly27. Long story short: Once Upon A Time…THE END. Anyways, once I arrived in Australia I realized that my candycanelilly was more like a candycaneMITCH. That’s right, I had spent 7 years E-dating a MAN :*( He was cute, but I am not into men….yet. SIGH.
Yeah, so when I came home that Thursday I went to your zoo. Looking at depressed caged animals whose entire lives are doomed to be a spectacle for humans is the best way to put a smile on my face like this: :) . I started out by visiting your new Baboon Bayou. Next I moved on to your Wild Wild West Dolphin Shoot Out. How did you get them to wear those funny hats?! Just before lunch I swung by your Lazer and Lights and Seagulls Showcase inside that barn to catch the 11:45 show. It was sub par (Too many lazers, not enough lights and seagulls). While exiting, that’s where I saw her. The most beautiful woman ever. Standing under a tree, her hair blowing in the breeze, just like mom used to make. I went over, my face tinged with red and asked her to lunch. She looked up, saw me then made this weird face and slapped me.
When I was walking away one of the Show seagulls must have escaped and it pooped on my head. Just then another OK-looking girl came over and helped me clean the droppings off of my face. I wondered why she was being so nice. Then she showed me her forehead where she too had been pooped on. We were connected by the very same “gifts” from up above. Surely this was a sign by God. I called her my little sea-gal, and she called me her little sea-gal, too.
We spent the rest if our zoo day together. It was pure ZOO-bilation! In between poking some animals with sticks and feeding cupcakes to the monkeys, we would sneak kisses. I was in LOVE. I went over to you souvenir shop in hopes of buying her an engagement ring, but they must have been sold out. Instead, I got her a funny shirt that said “Just ZOO It.” Just before 5pm, she said she had to go to the bathroom, so I waited outside. I waited and waited and waited. I waited more. And MORE. Then I stopped waiting. Then I resumed waiting. SHE NEVER CAME BACK. She left me:*( As I was exiting your zoo I saw her outside in the parking lot. She was cleaning the poop off of another man’s head. Then I saw them kiss:*( Why!! Why ME!? WHY!? I tried to run after her, but they sped off in his Jaguar. IF YOUR ZOO JUS HAD THE ENGAGEMENT RINGS THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.
Now I am broken hearted. No amount of Wild Wild West Dolphin Shoot Outs will restore even 27% of my heart. BUT with your help I WILL find her again. I need your zoo to spread the word and keep an eye for her. She is 5’5’’ and has brown hair and is a girl. She likes to wear sneakers and jeans and long sleeve shirts. If you see someone who looks like this please contact me right away. She answers to the name Janet. I haven’t tried them, but she may also answer to the names Pippy, Soaps or Shantel.
I look forward to hearing from you soon so I can get my life back on track. Also, could you please tell me how much it would cost to rent out 3 lions for the afternoon? I need them for revenge. Thanks a bunch!
Hugs and Kisses,
ME
Letter to a Cracker Company
I wrote to some cracker company and crazy antics ensued.
Wakefern Food Corporation
600 York St.
Elizabeth, NJ 07207
Dear People-
My name is Joseph Morano. I work for a very important factory that specializes in making money. Seeing as though I am a lavish businessperson type, I don’t have time for all the dilly-dallying that goes into buying lunch from the cafeteria inside my particular industry. Complicating the matter is my past with one of the lunch ladies (I wont go into details, but it involves gummi dinos). Because of this I pack a very brief lunch inside my brief(lunch)case. One of the items I always pack are your “Toasty Peanut Butter Cracker Snacks” or “Snackers” as we at the office refer to them. Even though the store brands (Shop-Rite) generally aren’t up to the same quality as other brands, I stick with your brand so it motivates me enough to strive for a promotion so I can someday afford the better tasting peanut butter crackers. If Tony Robbins was ever a cracker snack, he would be yours.
Before last Tuesday my toasty-rific relationship with said crackers was going heavenly! However with every Heaven…there is a bloody savage ridden HELL. I opened up your crackers and got “cracker-ing” on them. Peanut butter snacks 1-5 went down fine. Satan struck with cracker #6(66). I pulled in out and…..THE PEANUT BUTTER SLAB WAS MISSING.
What’s the big idea here? Is this some kind of “twisted” (lol) way to pull one over on your valued customer and save a few pennies? What if everyone in the world decided to randomly leave out things to screw people over. When you buy a car do they randomly leave off the breaks on every 6th auto? What if you bought those pajamas that come with the PJ shoes built in and they randomly left off one foot on every 6th pair? It’s a little different now that the shoe ISNT on the other foot, isn’t it???
The back of the package claims “All our products are laboratory tested to assure their quality.” Do monkeys run this laboratory? How stupid can you be to forget to put the peanut butter inside PEANUT BUTTER crackers, you cracker. I don’t know what went wrong here, but you peanutbetter figure it out. Right now I have two naked crackers sitting on my counter and they aren’t going anywhere until I get my slab back. If I wanted plain old crackers I’d move to the Hamptons. I don’t want a refund or a check for large sums of money. I just want my peanut butter slab back IN FULL.
-ME
Wakefern Food Corporation
600 York St.
Elizabeth, NJ 07207
Dear People-
My name is Joseph Morano. I work for a very important factory that specializes in making money. Seeing as though I am a lavish businessperson type, I don’t have time for all the dilly-dallying that goes into buying lunch from the cafeteria inside my particular industry. Complicating the matter is my past with one of the lunch ladies (I wont go into details, but it involves gummi dinos). Because of this I pack a very brief lunch inside my brief(lunch)case. One of the items I always pack are your “Toasty Peanut Butter Cracker Snacks” or “Snackers” as we at the office refer to them. Even though the store brands (Shop-Rite) generally aren’t up to the same quality as other brands, I stick with your brand so it motivates me enough to strive for a promotion so I can someday afford the better tasting peanut butter crackers. If Tony Robbins was ever a cracker snack, he would be yours.
Before last Tuesday my toasty-rific relationship with said crackers was going heavenly! However with every Heaven…there is a bloody savage ridden HELL. I opened up your crackers and got “cracker-ing” on them. Peanut butter snacks 1-5 went down fine. Satan struck with cracker #6(66). I pulled in out and…..THE PEANUT BUTTER SLAB WAS MISSING.
What’s the big idea here? Is this some kind of “twisted” (lol) way to pull one over on your valued customer and save a few pennies? What if everyone in the world decided to randomly leave out things to screw people over. When you buy a car do they randomly leave off the breaks on every 6th auto? What if you bought those pajamas that come with the PJ shoes built in and they randomly left off one foot on every 6th pair? It’s a little different now that the shoe ISNT on the other foot, isn’t it???
The back of the package claims “All our products are laboratory tested to assure their quality.” Do monkeys run this laboratory? How stupid can you be to forget to put the peanut butter inside PEANUT BUTTER crackers, you cracker. I don’t know what went wrong here, but you peanutbetter figure it out. Right now I have two naked crackers sitting on my counter and they aren’t going anywhere until I get my slab back. If I wanted plain old crackers I’d move to the Hamptons. I don’t want a refund or a check for large sums of money. I just want my peanut butter slab back IN FULL.
-ME
Letter To Circuit City
This is a letter I sent to Circuit City. They sent me a 25 dollar gift card.
Circuit City
9950 Mayland Dr.
Richmond, VA
23233
Dear CEO W. Alan McCollough,
My life as we know it is OVER. I am forever cursed to spend eternity in Hell on Earth and I have Circuit City to thank. As you can see…I am in the midst of a very serious situation and that’s why I needed to come right to you, Mr. CEO. W. Alan McCollough.
On Friday, March 7th or 8th I visited your Circuit City store located at the Shore Mall in southern New Jersey. You may know the Shore Mall better as the mall that boasts of several 99 Cents stores, 4 arcades, the Discount Barn, a “party store” that everyone knows is a front for a drug operation, and is anchored by a Value City and an Echards(sp); making Circuit City a perfect fit. On this particular day of shopping/browsing (browpping) I spotted the dvd Lucas which stars Cory Haim (License To Drive) and Charlie Sheen (Denise Richards). I (Joseph Morano) was so excited as this is one of my all time top favorite films that stars one of the Cories!!!!!!
As anyone would do in this situation, I IMMEDIATELY called up my friends and told them I was about to buy the movie and to meet me at my house in 30 minutes!!! And that I would make SNACKS!!!!!!!!! I went up to the counter and the dude scans it and says “Hey skippy…I can’t sell this to you, its not supposed to be out till Tuesday.” He then took Lucas away from me :*(
Let me ask YOU something Mr. “CEO”. Why then was the movie ON THE SHELF?! Am I not allowed to “buy” things that are on the shelf? It’s bad enough that you tease me throughout your store with big ticket items like Plasma TV’s and office pens that I’d never be able to afford. But to NOT let ME buy SOMETHNG that WAS on YOUR shelf IS just plain wrONG. And it’s not like I could STEAL the movie because it also starred Winona Ryder and that would be very wrong and very ironic. You slogan is “We’re With You.” No you weren’t…you were against me…you turned your back on me then back stabbed me in the back…backy-style.
When I got home all the kids were in my living room. Everyone asked “Where is the movie Lucas from Circuit City?” When I told them what happened nobody believed me and they said I was making it up. They then got very mad and surly with me. One kid called me a big “Luc- ass.” I tried making it up to them with extra Goldfishies crackers but they just threw them at me. They were very Charlie MEAN. Now nobody at school will talk to me.
All I want is my friends back and to make the football team. I lost it all and its Circuit City’s fault. So you say you’re “with me” Mr. CEO? Then prove it. I demand an apology for destroying my life. I want you to say this in a TV commercial so all my friends can see it and believe me. I also want you to get Cory Haim to personally screen the film for my friends and I and do commentary for us. You can come to my party too (AFTER the commercial airs) but you will NOT be given Goldfish cracker privileges.
Sincerely,
ME
Circuit City
9950 Mayland Dr.
Richmond, VA
23233
Dear CEO W. Alan McCollough,
My life as we know it is OVER. I am forever cursed to spend eternity in Hell on Earth and I have Circuit City to thank. As you can see…I am in the midst of a very serious situation and that’s why I needed to come right to you, Mr. CEO. W. Alan McCollough.
On Friday, March 7th or 8th I visited your Circuit City store located at the Shore Mall in southern New Jersey. You may know the Shore Mall better as the mall that boasts of several 99 Cents stores, 4 arcades, the Discount Barn, a “party store” that everyone knows is a front for a drug operation, and is anchored by a Value City and an Echards(sp); making Circuit City a perfect fit. On this particular day of shopping/browsing (browpping) I spotted the dvd Lucas which stars Cory Haim (License To Drive) and Charlie Sheen (Denise Richards). I (Joseph Morano) was so excited as this is one of my all time top favorite films that stars one of the Cories!!!!!!
As anyone would do in this situation, I IMMEDIATELY called up my friends and told them I was about to buy the movie and to meet me at my house in 30 minutes!!! And that I would make SNACKS!!!!!!!!! I went up to the counter and the dude scans it and says “Hey skippy…I can’t sell this to you, its not supposed to be out till Tuesday.” He then took Lucas away from me :*(
Let me ask YOU something Mr. “CEO”. Why then was the movie ON THE SHELF?! Am I not allowed to “buy” things that are on the shelf? It’s bad enough that you tease me throughout your store with big ticket items like Plasma TV’s and office pens that I’d never be able to afford. But to NOT let ME buy SOMETHNG that WAS on YOUR shelf IS just plain wrONG. And it’s not like I could STEAL the movie because it also starred Winona Ryder and that would be very wrong and very ironic. You slogan is “We’re With You.” No you weren’t…you were against me…you turned your back on me then back stabbed me in the back…backy-style.
When I got home all the kids were in my living room. Everyone asked “Where is the movie Lucas from Circuit City?” When I told them what happened nobody believed me and they said I was making it up. They then got very mad and surly with me. One kid called me a big “Luc- ass.” I tried making it up to them with extra Goldfishies crackers but they just threw them at me. They were very Charlie MEAN. Now nobody at school will talk to me.
All I want is my friends back and to make the football team. I lost it all and its Circuit City’s fault. So you say you’re “with me” Mr. CEO? Then prove it. I demand an apology for destroying my life. I want you to say this in a TV commercial so all my friends can see it and believe me. I also want you to get Cory Haim to personally screen the film for my friends and I and do commentary for us. You can come to my party too (AFTER the commercial airs) but you will NOT be given Goldfish cracker privileges.
Sincerely,
ME
Letter to Arby's
This is a letter I wrote to the good people at Arby's. They sent me some coupons, which I used to take my lady out for an evening of fine dining.
Arby's Restaurant
Arby's Restaurant Headquarters
1000 Corporate DR
Ft Lauderdale FL
33334
Dear Arby's Restaurant personnel,
I was just 4 years old at the time. Mother was driving me home from school. I was ever so hungry. “Mama, I am ever so hungry,” I said. That’s when she pulled into a strange place she called “Arby’s.” As she placed the order at the speedy Arby’s drive-thru, I couldn’t wait. The food on the menu looked so good! And I was ever so hungry. Then some lady handed my mom the bag of food and mother handed her the green. The food smelled sooo good! “Mother, may I have some Arby’s please? I am still ever so hungry,” I said. “No,” mom stated as she devoured a beef sandwich. I was sad I couldn’t eat that Arby’s that day, but I never forgot the smell or the look on my mom’s face as she ate. 18 years and many many Arby’s meals later I still can’t get that smell and food and whatnot outa my mind. I LIVE for Arby’s. Here’s why.
Arby’s has the BEST straws in the business. The Arby’s straw is really really W-I-D-E. This helps to maximize my Coke intake, and minimize my suckage strains. When I suck, I like to suck smooth. Other so-called “quality” restaurants have flimsy “non-wide” straws. I think we will both agree this is an INSULT to the customer. I don’t have the time to wait for the soda to make its way through tiny straws. I am a busy boy and when I am thirsty I want my soda!!! Arby’s understands this with its revolutionary WIDE straw technology. This shows that Arby’s loves me.
When I am at the Arby’s I almost always get the #6. That is the chicken finger meal. Do chickens even have fingers? Oh well, I’ll “finger” it out! Sometimes I feel the chicken fingers don’t get the respect they deserve. Why are they buried all the way down at #6? I don’t like saying “6” because sometimes I get dirty looks. Lets try to bump the finger meal to the #2. Two rhymes with shoe, this way I wouldn’t forget.
Arby’s is also equipped with GREAT fries. They are yum. You even get TWO (shoe) fry style choices. Curly or straight. Personally, I am not a straight man….so I go with the curly.
Recently I have been developing what I refer to as “Arb-oration Arby’s.” I have conducted 8 minutes of research and found that you currently have over 3,000 Arby’ses. That’s alota Arby’s! My dream is to be the first person EVER to eat at every single Arby’s restaurant (I have already been to three). I am no stranger to world records either…you may have heard of me before, as I hold the record for most Coke drank in a 24 hour period (wide straws get the assist). If I eat my next 3,000 dinners at a different Arby’s restaurant, I will have accomplished my goal in 10 years. We could even hype this up, and people would get excited when I was going to be visiting their hometown Arby’s soon! I would even sign 8x10 glossies of myself shoving a sandwich in my mouth while giving a thumbs up. I’d be giving the thumbs up in the picture…..not while signing (that is extra).
Obviously I couldn’t pull this off by myself. I’d need your help! I recently graduated from college at the top of my class with a degree in advertising and I have a job that pays me good money! To make my dream come true, I would have to quit my job….but I am ready for that sacrifice. What I need from Arby’s is to pick up the tab and pay me ten years advance salary. I think we’d both make out on this deal.. I wouldn’t by flying to every location…I would drive to them in my Carby’s. That’s the name I came up with for the Arby’s mobile (we’ll talk about that at the first or second meeting). Please get back to me soon so I know what to tell my wife and children.
Sincerely,
ME
P.S. Do you have a slogan? How about we change it to “Git your Eat On”?
Arby's Restaurant
Arby's Restaurant Headquarters
1000 Corporate DR
Ft Lauderdale FL
33334
Dear Arby's Restaurant personnel,
I was just 4 years old at the time. Mother was driving me home from school. I was ever so hungry. “Mama, I am ever so hungry,” I said. That’s when she pulled into a strange place she called “Arby’s.” As she placed the order at the speedy Arby’s drive-thru, I couldn’t wait. The food on the menu looked so good! And I was ever so hungry. Then some lady handed my mom the bag of food and mother handed her the green. The food smelled sooo good! “Mother, may I have some Arby’s please? I am still ever so hungry,” I said. “No,” mom stated as she devoured a beef sandwich. I was sad I couldn’t eat that Arby’s that day, but I never forgot the smell or the look on my mom’s face as she ate. 18 years and many many Arby’s meals later I still can’t get that smell and food and whatnot outa my mind. I LIVE for Arby’s. Here’s why.
Arby’s has the BEST straws in the business. The Arby’s straw is really really W-I-D-E. This helps to maximize my Coke intake, and minimize my suckage strains. When I suck, I like to suck smooth. Other so-called “quality” restaurants have flimsy “non-wide” straws. I think we will both agree this is an INSULT to the customer. I don’t have the time to wait for the soda to make its way through tiny straws. I am a busy boy and when I am thirsty I want my soda!!! Arby’s understands this with its revolutionary WIDE straw technology. This shows that Arby’s loves me.
When I am at the Arby’s I almost always get the #6. That is the chicken finger meal. Do chickens even have fingers? Oh well, I’ll “finger” it out! Sometimes I feel the chicken fingers don’t get the respect they deserve. Why are they buried all the way down at #6? I don’t like saying “6” because sometimes I get dirty looks. Lets try to bump the finger meal to the #2. Two rhymes with shoe, this way I wouldn’t forget.
Arby’s is also equipped with GREAT fries. They are yum. You even get TWO (shoe) fry style choices. Curly or straight. Personally, I am not a straight man….so I go with the curly.
Recently I have been developing what I refer to as “Arb-oration Arby’s.” I have conducted 8 minutes of research and found that you currently have over 3,000 Arby’ses. That’s alota Arby’s! My dream is to be the first person EVER to eat at every single Arby’s restaurant (I have already been to three). I am no stranger to world records either…you may have heard of me before, as I hold the record for most Coke drank in a 24 hour period (wide straws get the assist). If I eat my next 3,000 dinners at a different Arby’s restaurant, I will have accomplished my goal in 10 years. We could even hype this up, and people would get excited when I was going to be visiting their hometown Arby’s soon! I would even sign 8x10 glossies of myself shoving a sandwich in my mouth while giving a thumbs up. I’d be giving the thumbs up in the picture…..not while signing (that is extra).
Obviously I couldn’t pull this off by myself. I’d need your help! I recently graduated from college at the top of my class with a degree in advertising and I have a job that pays me good money! To make my dream come true, I would have to quit my job….but I am ready for that sacrifice. What I need from Arby’s is to pick up the tab and pay me ten years advance salary. I think we’d both make out on this deal.. I wouldn’t by flying to every location…I would drive to them in my Carby’s. That’s the name I came up with for the Arby’s mobile (we’ll talk about that at the first or second meeting). Please get back to me soon so I know what to tell my wife and children.
Sincerely,
ME
P.S. Do you have a slogan? How about we change it to “Git your Eat On”?
My post to a message board for Law Students
I sent this to a message board for law students. I used the name Dr. Science.
Dr. Science here!
Welcome to my Laboratoffice! Come on in...you know you want to. Friends, today is a big day for everybody's favorite Doctor/Scientist (Scientor). As many of you know I am a doctor and also a scientist. I specialize in experimenting on doctors, as well as curing scientists. I know many of you are law students of some sorts. This is why when I needed a favor I i thought I'd come right to you! You see, my lab rats have escaped. There were 20 of them in all, and each one was named Tony (though some only responded to "Suzy"). The Tonies seemed to have escaped while I was ironing their mini PJ's. You should have seen Tony #11 with his four pink booties! AW!!!!!!
Anyways, I dont feel like going out and tracking them down. Let them die I say. I live in a mansion on the Upper South Side and that's a waste of my time. Instead, I need you fine people to voulnteer to be my new research specimens. You will have to move into my mansion. The first morning, I buy you anything you want from the IHOP. After that you get locked into a metal cage in my basement for at least 10 weeks. I stop by occasionally to throw water on you and feed you used pancakes. Sometimes I just walk by your cage and poke you with a stick. Now and then I will use me "grabbin' glove."
When the time is right, I take you to my doctors office and perform a physical. The physical is co performed by Nurse Olivia. If you pass I bring you back to the basement, for an experiment where I see how long humans can live in cages for. At times you will have to live in your own excrement, but this should be nothing new. When anybody dies, they lose and forfeit their prizes to me. The winner gets the opportunity to move into a bigger cage and I write them a recommendation for their Law school and poke them with a stick.
This will be a great chance for you to learn about the law, while being tortured to excruciating lengths. I will need 300 people to sign up. The first 20 get a free Snickers. Until next time.....CASE CLOSED.
specimens wanted
Dr. Science here!
Welcome to my Laboratoffice! Come on in...you know you want to. Friends, today is a big day for everybody's favorite Doctor/Scientist (Scientor). As many of you know I am a doctor and also a scientist. I specialize in experimenting on doctors, as well as curing scientists. I know many of you are law students of some sorts. This is why when I needed a favor I i thought I'd come right to you! You see, my lab rats have escaped. There were 20 of them in all, and each one was named Tony (though some only responded to "Suzy"). The Tonies seemed to have escaped while I was ironing their mini PJ's. You should have seen Tony #11 with his four pink booties! AW!!!!!!
Anyways, I dont feel like going out and tracking them down. Let them die I say. I live in a mansion on the Upper South Side and that's a waste of my time. Instead, I need you fine people to voulnteer to be my new research specimens. You will have to move into my mansion. The first morning, I buy you anything you want from the IHOP. After that you get locked into a metal cage in my basement for at least 10 weeks. I stop by occasionally to throw water on you and feed you used pancakes. Sometimes I just walk by your cage and poke you with a stick. Now and then I will use me "grabbin' glove."
When the time is right, I take you to my doctors office and perform a physical. The physical is co performed by Nurse Olivia. If you pass I bring you back to the basement, for an experiment where I see how long humans can live in cages for. At times you will have to live in your own excrement, but this should be nothing new. When anybody dies, they lose and forfeit their prizes to me. The winner gets the opportunity to move into a bigger cage and I write them a recommendation for their Law school and poke them with a stick.
This will be a great chance for you to learn about the law, while being tortured to excruciating lengths. I will need 300 people to sign up. The first 20 get a free Snickers. Until next time.....CASE CLOSED.
specimens wanted
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