Harvard University,
University Hall
Cambridge, MA 02138-3800
Dear Dr. (Name Removed),
I apologize that I was not home at the time of your call on the 26th
of February, 2010, but based on the information my roommate Walter provided me with, I am responding to your request with the following answer:
No.
Sadly, I will not be accepting your invitation to be the commencement speaker for this year’s Harvard graduating class. I am honored that you
thought my funny YouTube videos, new sneakers, and sweet looking ’98 Dodge Avenger would make me the perfect candidate to address the students. But I won’t be coming.
As I am sure you know, I was named to the Dean’s List for 8 straight semesters at a certain regional college in southern New Jersey. Due to this, I have a predetermined level of prestige that I must maintain. To put it nicely, I try to only make appearances at slightly more “prominent” schools. If I spoke at Harvard, I might as well be speaking from a dumpster behind a Quiznos. Besides, on the night of said speaking arrangement, I will be busy Tweeting, updating my Myspace page and blogging about my cats.
I thank you for your interest in me and I look forward to hearing from you again when your college has more name recognition and hotter chicks.
- Lester
Friday, July 9, 2010
A Letter to the Shore Mall 2
Shore Mall
6725 Black Horse Pike
EHT, NJ 08234
Dear Shore Mall,
Can you keep a secret? I am getting married next summer! Now here’s where you come in – I would like to get married inside the Shore Mall. My special gal has been telling me for years that she has always dreamed of a lavish wedding and I couldn’t think of anything more lavish than your 80s-looking mall on the Black Horse Pike in Southern New Jersey.
So here’s the 411 - I want everything done inside of your mall. First the wedding. I want the actual ceremony to take place on top of the abandoned mall water fountain in front of the Boscov’s. My guests and I will enter through the Burlington Coat Factory store, and my wife will enter by the Frank’s Jewelers entrance (the one with all the trashcans and wheelchairs). While she is walking up the aisle, my wife will have the option to stop off and grab an Auntie Anne’s pretzel. Now, I don’t want to close down the mall, but as the ceremony progresses, mall cops should be on hand to attack any of the numerous shady characters who normally frequent your mall – even if they aren’t near my wedding.
The reception will be held between the Food Court and the DMV. All my guests will get unlimited fountain sodas and breadstix and boating licenses. They will also be permitted to use the arcade, but only to play Skee Ball and Virtua Fighter 2. When my guests get tired, they shall be allowed to spend the night sleeping on the smelly furniture inside the Boscov’s Furniture Outlet store.
Can you give me an idea of how much this would all cost me? Oh yes, I don’t need anything else changed or cleaned up, etc. I think the fact that the inside of the mall looks like a flea market on crack will only add to our special day.
6725 Black Horse Pike
EHT, NJ 08234
Dear Shore Mall,
Can you keep a secret? I am getting married next summer! Now here’s where you come in – I would like to get married inside the Shore Mall. My special gal has been telling me for years that she has always dreamed of a lavish wedding and I couldn’t think of anything more lavish than your 80s-looking mall on the Black Horse Pike in Southern New Jersey.
So here’s the 411 - I want everything done inside of your mall. First the wedding. I want the actual ceremony to take place on top of the abandoned mall water fountain in front of the Boscov’s. My guests and I will enter through the Burlington Coat Factory store, and my wife will enter by the Frank’s Jewelers entrance (the one with all the trashcans and wheelchairs). While she is walking up the aisle, my wife will have the option to stop off and grab an Auntie Anne’s pretzel. Now, I don’t want to close down the mall, but as the ceremony progresses, mall cops should be on hand to attack any of the numerous shady characters who normally frequent your mall – even if they aren’t near my wedding.
The reception will be held between the Food Court and the DMV. All my guests will get unlimited fountain sodas and breadstix and boating licenses. They will also be permitted to use the arcade, but only to play Skee Ball and Virtua Fighter 2. When my guests get tired, they shall be allowed to spend the night sleeping on the smelly furniture inside the Boscov’s Furniture Outlet store.
Can you give me an idea of how much this would all cost me? Oh yes, I don’t need anything else changed or cleaned up, etc. I think the fact that the inside of the mall looks like a flea market on crack will only add to our special day.
A Letter To Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY
P.O. BOX 69440
Los Angeles, CA
90069
Dear Abby,
My wife says she is going to leave me because I spend too much time writing to newspaper advice columnists. I say she is an idiot! I keep trying to tell her that advice columnists are much smarter that we common folk and that I like being talked down to by someone who doesn’t even have a degree in psychology – but she just won’t listen!
I see nothing wrong with writing to advice columnists 14 times per week – as long as it’s in regards to a pressing issue (FYI - I’m still waiting for you to tell me which checkbook design I should choose - “baby duck parade” or “ice cream sundaes of the Serengeti”). Now my wife is screaming at me that if I write one more letter, she is going to leave me forever. No man should have to choose between his wife and various syndicated newspaper columnists. What should I do?
Signed,
Newspaper Advice Columnless in Sheboygan
P.O. BOX 69440
Los Angeles, CA
90069
Dear Abby,
My wife says she is going to leave me because I spend too much time writing to newspaper advice columnists. I say she is an idiot! I keep trying to tell her that advice columnists are much smarter that we common folk and that I like being talked down to by someone who doesn’t even have a degree in psychology – but she just won’t listen!
I see nothing wrong with writing to advice columnists 14 times per week – as long as it’s in regards to a pressing issue (FYI - I’m still waiting for you to tell me which checkbook design I should choose - “baby duck parade” or “ice cream sundaes of the Serengeti”). Now my wife is screaming at me that if I write one more letter, she is going to leave me forever. No man should have to choose between his wife and various syndicated newspaper columnists. What should I do?
Signed,
Newspaper Advice Columnless in Sheboygan
Sunday, May 10, 2009
A Letter to MIT Mathematics Department
(Sent via E-mail)
Dear MIT Department of Mathematics,
My name is Spencer. My mentor, Dr. Leaky, pointed me in your direction in regards to one of my recent discoveries. (Discovery explained below!)
For centuries, attractive and popular mathematicians such as ourselves have been stuck dealing with the same stale slate of geometric shapes. You might just say we’ve been running in circles. Well, those days are over. You see, it took me 18 months and cost me my marriage, but last night at approximately 3:45am, my goal was accomplished. I INVENTED A NEW SHAPE.
Behold! The complex shape can be viewed by clicking HERE
As you can see, this shape is like nothing our industry has ever seen. I am fairly certain it is also the first shape that can breathe fire and attack other shapes (WHICH IT WILL DO). I am currently deciding between three names: “TriSquareatops,” “Rhombusaurus,” or “Tickle.”
Given its complex nature, I can already picture how fun it will be to watch toddlers try to stack TriSquareatops-shaped blocks. The task will certainly be impossible, but we won’t tell those little scamps that!
Let’s schedule a meeting so I can present this to your team and other curious parties. I’m already scheduled to meet with your science department on the 2nd of next month to discuss the recent groundbreaking correlation I discovered between gravity and parachute pants, E=MC Hammer. Let’s meet afterwards at the closest Baskin Robbins.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
- Spencer Pratt (CutiePieGuy71 at aol dot com)
Dear MIT Department of Mathematics,
My name is Spencer. My mentor, Dr. Leaky, pointed me in your direction in regards to one of my recent discoveries. (Discovery explained below!)
For centuries, attractive and popular mathematicians such as ourselves have been stuck dealing with the same stale slate of geometric shapes. You might just say we’ve been running in circles. Well, those days are over. You see, it took me 18 months and cost me my marriage, but last night at approximately 3:45am, my goal was accomplished. I INVENTED A NEW SHAPE.
Behold! The complex shape can be viewed by clicking HERE
As you can see, this shape is like nothing our industry has ever seen. I am fairly certain it is also the first shape that can breathe fire and attack other shapes (WHICH IT WILL DO). I am currently deciding between three names: “TriSquareatops,” “Rhombusaurus,” or “Tickle.”
Given its complex nature, I can already picture how fun it will be to watch toddlers try to stack TriSquareatops-shaped blocks. The task will certainly be impossible, but we won’t tell those little scamps that!
Let’s schedule a meeting so I can present this to your team and other curious parties. I’m already scheduled to meet with your science department on the 2nd of next month to discuss the recent groundbreaking correlation I discovered between gravity and parachute pants, E=MC Hammer. Let’s meet afterwards at the closest Baskin Robbins.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
- Spencer Pratt (CutiePieGuy71 at aol dot com)
A Letter to Sports Authority
Sports Authority
935 First Avenue
King of Prussia, PA 19406
Dear Sports Authority,
Not enough people give thanks these days. So here it goes. I just wanted to congratulate the entire Sports Authority team on the fantastic job they are doing alleviating many of the traffic issues in regards to the bridges, tunnels and bus stations that you manage in New York City and Northern New Jersey. In particular, the operation of the Sports Authority Bus Terminal near Times Square has been fantastic. When I am traveling and I see the Sports Authority name on a terminal, I know I can look forward to fast and friendly service. Oh, any chance on adding some more bus times?
Thanks again,
Kevin McAlister
935 First Avenue
King of Prussia, PA 19406
Dear Sports Authority,
Not enough people give thanks these days. So here it goes. I just wanted to congratulate the entire Sports Authority team on the fantastic job they are doing alleviating many of the traffic issues in regards to the bridges, tunnels and bus stations that you manage in New York City and Northern New Jersey. In particular, the operation of the Sports Authority Bus Terminal near Times Square has been fantastic. When I am traveling and I see the Sports Authority name on a terminal, I know I can look forward to fast and friendly service. Oh, any chance on adding some more bus times?
Thanks again,
Kevin McAlister
A Letter to The Port Authority
The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey
Customer Services
Tunnels, Bridges and Terminals
One Madison Avenue, 5th Floor
New York, NY 10010
Dear Port Authority,
I recently purchased a fishing rod at your sporting goods store in Cherry Hill and the service was fantastic! This is exactly why I always buy by sporting goods at Port Authority and not one of your competitors like Dick’s Sports. I also think the Port Authority has the best selection on sporting goods around. Keep up the great work and I’ll be seeing you this fall when I’m ready to buy a new ping-pong table. You know what I always say, “If it’s anything sports, it’s gotta be the Port Authority!”
Thanks,
Brody Jenner
Customer Services
Tunnels, Bridges and Terminals
One Madison Avenue, 5th Floor
New York, NY 10010
Dear Port Authority,
I recently purchased a fishing rod at your sporting goods store in Cherry Hill and the service was fantastic! This is exactly why I always buy by sporting goods at Port Authority and not one of your competitors like Dick’s Sports. I also think the Port Authority has the best selection on sporting goods around. Keep up the great work and I’ll be seeing you this fall when I’m ready to buy a new ping-pong table. You know what I always say, “If it’s anything sports, it’s gotta be the Port Authority!”
Thanks,
Brody Jenner
Friday, April 17, 2009
A Letter to Krazy Glue
Krazy Glue
One Easton Oval
Columbus, OH 43291
Dear Krazy Glue,
My name is Rusty. And last week I celebrated my 52nd birthday at the Olive Garden.
I am writing in regards to the events of Tuesday, October 28th, 2008. It was on this evening that I found myself in the highly dangerous Pleasantville, NJ shopping center, a bottom-tier strip mall known for its ruthless Taco Bells and toothless prostitution rings. After dodging bullets and tumbleweed, I went into the K-Mart and picked up the following items: Krazy Glue (4 "single use" mini tubes), a pair of bejeweled mittens, Klondike Bars and That's So Raven season 6 on dvd. Then I headed home to get to glueing.
That's when things came UNGLUED. And FYI that pun IS intended.
I purchased your glue with the intention of repairing the damaged right wing of one of my prized porcelain fairy babies. (Wing broke while reenacting the great fairy babies war of 1473.) I was scheduled to show off this particular fairy at a porcelain fairy babies collectors meeting with the guys in exactly 45 minutes, so repairing the wing was simply fucking imperative.
I'm going to cut right to the chase. All four of the glue tubes ended up being dry, rubbery and useless, much like the food at Denny's. Now I feel dirty and used, much like the food at Denny's. You swindled me, conned me and ruined my life.
Because of your sucky glue, I was forced to show up to the porcelain fairy babies collectors meeting with a broken fairy baby. When I got up in front of the guys to present it, the wing fell off and shattered on the floor, as did my reputation. All of the guys started teasing me, "fairy fraud," "wingless Nazi" and "Mr. Mister" (the later insult was cleverly alluding to their 1985 hit, "Broken Wings.") Within moments, I was asked to leave the club forever.
I sat in the parking lot for hours, clutching my fairy babies, blubbering like a little girl, pondering the irony that your nonworking glue managed to get me into a sticky situation. That's when I was approached by a sympathetic hobo, who after hearing my story presented me with a dozen swigs of his backwashed-filled Whisky. I agreed, got drunk and passed out. After I woke up I stumbled home and found my wife in bed with another man. It was that hobo. He had told her of my story and she said she'd rather be with a dirty hobo than with a man who's the laughing stock of the fairy babies club.
In short, your commercials claim your glue can hold up a construction worker dangling under a beam, and yet, your glue was unable to keep me attached to the one thing that mattered most. My dignity.
Please send me coupons and an assortment of free gifts as compensation.
Love,
Rusty
One Easton Oval
Columbus, OH 43291
Dear Krazy Glue,
My name is Rusty. And last week I celebrated my 52nd birthday at the Olive Garden.
I am writing in regards to the events of Tuesday, October 28th, 2008. It was on this evening that I found myself in the highly dangerous Pleasantville, NJ shopping center, a bottom-tier strip mall known for its ruthless Taco Bells and toothless prostitution rings. After dodging bullets and tumbleweed, I went into the K-Mart and picked up the following items: Krazy Glue (4 "single use" mini tubes), a pair of bejeweled mittens, Klondike Bars and That's So Raven season 6 on dvd. Then I headed home to get to glueing.
That's when things came UNGLUED. And FYI that pun IS intended.
I purchased your glue with the intention of repairing the damaged right wing of one of my prized porcelain fairy babies. (Wing broke while reenacting the great fairy babies war of 1473.) I was scheduled to show off this particular fairy at a porcelain fairy babies collectors meeting with the guys in exactly 45 minutes, so repairing the wing was simply fucking imperative.
I'm going to cut right to the chase. All four of the glue tubes ended up being dry, rubbery and useless, much like the food at Denny's. Now I feel dirty and used, much like the food at Denny's. You swindled me, conned me and ruined my life.
Because of your sucky glue, I was forced to show up to the porcelain fairy babies collectors meeting with a broken fairy baby. When I got up in front of the guys to present it, the wing fell off and shattered on the floor, as did my reputation. All of the guys started teasing me, "fairy fraud," "wingless Nazi" and "Mr. Mister" (the later insult was cleverly alluding to their 1985 hit, "Broken Wings.") Within moments, I was asked to leave the club forever.
I sat in the parking lot for hours, clutching my fairy babies, blubbering like a little girl, pondering the irony that your nonworking glue managed to get me into a sticky situation. That's when I was approached by a sympathetic hobo, who after hearing my story presented me with a dozen swigs of his backwashed-filled Whisky. I agreed, got drunk and passed out. After I woke up I stumbled home and found my wife in bed with another man. It was that hobo. He had told her of my story and she said she'd rather be with a dirty hobo than with a man who's the laughing stock of the fairy babies club.
In short, your commercials claim your glue can hold up a construction worker dangling under a beam, and yet, your glue was unable to keep me attached to the one thing that mattered most. My dignity.
Please send me coupons and an assortment of free gifts as compensation.
Love,
Rusty
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