Shore Mall
6725 Black Horse Pike
EHT, NJ 08234
Dear Shore Mall,
Can you keep a secret? I am getting married next summer! Now here’s where you come in – I would like to get married inside the Shore Mall. My special gal has been telling me for years that she has always dreamed of a lavish wedding and I couldn’t think of anything more lavish than your 80s-looking mall on the Black Horse Pike in Southern New Jersey.
So here’s the 411 - I want everything done inside of your mall. First the wedding. I want the actual ceremony to take place on top of the abandoned mall water fountain in front of the Boscov’s. My guests and I will enter through the Burlington Coat Factory store, and my wife will enter by the Frank’s Jewelers entrance (the one with all the trashcans and wheelchairs). While she is walking up the aisle, my wife will have the option to stop off and grab an Auntie Anne’s pretzel. Now, I don’t want to close down the mall, but as the ceremony progresses, mall cops should be on hand to attack any of the numerous shady characters who normally frequent your mall – even if they aren’t near my wedding.
The reception will be held between the Food Court and the DMV. All my guests will get unlimited fountain sodas and breadstix and boating licenses. They will also be permitted to use the arcade, but only to play Skee Ball and Virtua Fighter 2. When my guests get tired, they shall be allowed to spend the night sleeping on the smelly furniture inside the Boscov’s Furniture Outlet store.
Can you give me an idea of how much this would all cost me? Oh yes, I don’t need anything else changed or cleaned up, etc. I think the fact that the inside of the mall looks like a flea market on crack will only add to our special day.
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