Sunday, August 7, 2011

A Letter to the Deptford Mall

Deptford Mall
1750 Deptford Center Road
Deptford, NJ
08096

Dear Deptford Mall,

There are too many teens break dancing in the mall. Every time I am there shopping for tank tops, I see them out in front of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels break dancing to various jams and rhythms. These kids do everything - side steps, power circles, outlaw spins, hip twists, funky clowns. I mean everything – belly swims, hamster dives, baby swipes, helicopter kittens, jelly smashes, pajama shanks. I want it to stop. No more scooter freezes. No more earmuff shaky shakes. No more Cincinnati rainbow rah-rahs. I am SICK of looking at them doing their G-kicks, tricky spiders and Cape May choo-choos.

End this now or I will never set foot in your crappy mall again - ever! Never! It’s a terrible mall! It’s the worst mall in history! The bathrooms are dirty! PLEASE SEND ME COUPONS TO THE PIERCING PAGODA.

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