Harvard University,
University Hall
Cambridge, MA 02138-3800
Dear Dr. (Name Removed),
I apologize that I was not home at the time of your call on the 26th
of February, 2010, but based on the information my roommate Walter provided me with, I am responding to your request with the following answer:
No.
Sadly, I will not be accepting your invitation to be the commencement speaker for this year’s Harvard graduating class. I am honored that you
thought my funny YouTube videos, new sneakers, and sweet looking ’98 Dodge Avenger would make me the perfect candidate to address the students. But I won’t be coming.
As I am sure you know, I was named to the Dean’s List for 8 straight semesters at a certain regional college in southern New Jersey. Due to this, I have a predetermined level of prestige that I must maintain. To put it nicely, I try to only make appearances at slightly more “prominent” schools. If I spoke at Harvard, I might as well be speaking from a dumpster behind a Quiznos. Besides, on the night of said speaking arrangement, I will be busy Tweeting, updating my Myspace page and blogging about my cats.
I thank you for your interest in me and I look forward to hearing from you again when your college has more name recognition and hotter chicks.
- Lester
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