Inn of the Dove
6665 Black Horse Pike
Egg Harbor TWP, NJ
08234
Dear Inn of the Dove,
I am suspicious of my wife! I think she might be making time with another man (WHO IS NOT ME). My first clue was last Friday when I came home and found her in bed with another man (WHO WAS NOT ME). She told me to, “Get the F out of the room, I’m trying to have an affair in here.” My second clue was when she posted pics of the affair on facebook and tagged me in them. As revenge, I have lined up a few trashy mistresses of my own. One has teeth. The other smells like Burger King. I want to reserve two “themed” rooms at your hotel for the occasion.
Room #1 “Sleazy Love Nest Inn Room”
This is the room you have that’s themed like a sleazy, Inn of the Dove-like room. It’s the one that has an old Jacuzzi, skanky sheets and an atmosphere of cigarettes and disease. Please stock the mini fridge with Teddy Grahams and Diet Shasta.
Room #2 “Saved by the Bell Room”
This is the room themed after the hit NBC show about Bayside High. It plays the Saved by the Bell theme every time you flush the potty. I want the giant cardboard cutouts of Lisa Turtle, Kelly Kapowski and the other girl to stay up. The cutouts of Zack, Screech and Belding must be taken down. LEAVE THE SLATER.
Please let me know if these rooms are available the last weekend in January. What did you think of the last episode of LOST?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
A Letter to Aldi Supermarket
ALDI Supermarket
2651 S. Vineland Dr.
Vineland, NJ
08360
Dear Aldi Supermarket,
I am writing to get the OK to set up a table in your cereal aisle during the week of February 5th. The table will be made of Oak. It is a table that I bought at Anne of Green Tables on rt. 4 (NOT the rt. 9 store – I am banned). It is a cute table. The table is rectangular. It glows in the dark. One time my dog humped one of the table legs. So did my uncle. This table will now be in your lobby on March 17th. With a sign. The sign shall read: “Supermarket Toll”. Whenever shoppers pass, I shall demand they pay a toll. I will be dressed in a bear suit. The toll will be $7 dollars cash money (I will also accept Disney Dollars).
To review, my plan is this:
1. Put a giant table in your store
2. Collect money from your customers
3. Wear the bear suit
Please let me know that you are on board with this. I am only doing it to impress my dog.
2651 S. Vineland Dr.
Vineland, NJ
08360
Dear Aldi Supermarket,
I am writing to get the OK to set up a table in your cereal aisle during the week of February 5th. The table will be made of Oak. It is a table that I bought at Anne of Green Tables on rt. 4 (NOT the rt. 9 store – I am banned). It is a cute table. The table is rectangular. It glows in the dark. One time my dog humped one of the table legs. So did my uncle. This table will now be in your lobby on March 17th. With a sign. The sign shall read: “Supermarket Toll”. Whenever shoppers pass, I shall demand they pay a toll. I will be dressed in a bear suit. The toll will be $7 dollars cash money (I will also accept Disney Dollars).
To review, my plan is this:
1. Put a giant table in your store
2. Collect money from your customers
3. Wear the bear suit
Please let me know that you are on board with this. I am only doing it to impress my dog.
A Letter to the Deptford Mall
Deptford Mall
1750 Deptford Center Road
Deptford, NJ
08096
Dear Deptford Mall,
There are too many teens break dancing in the mall. Every time I am there shopping for tank tops, I see them out in front of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels break dancing to various jams and rhythms. These kids do everything - side steps, power circles, outlaw spins, hip twists, funky clowns. I mean everything – belly swims, hamster dives, baby swipes, helicopter kittens, jelly smashes, pajama shanks. I want it to stop. No more scooter freezes. No more earmuff shaky shakes. No more Cincinnati rainbow rah-rahs. I am SICK of looking at them doing their G-kicks, tricky spiders and Cape May choo-choos.
End this now or I will never set foot in your crappy mall again - ever! Never! It’s a terrible mall! It’s the worst mall in history! The bathrooms are dirty! PLEASE SEND ME COUPONS TO THE PIERCING PAGODA.
1750 Deptford Center Road
Deptford, NJ
08096
Dear Deptford Mall,
There are too many teens break dancing in the mall. Every time I am there shopping for tank tops, I see them out in front of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels break dancing to various jams and rhythms. These kids do everything - side steps, power circles, outlaw spins, hip twists, funky clowns. I mean everything – belly swims, hamster dives, baby swipes, helicopter kittens, jelly smashes, pajama shanks. I want it to stop. No more scooter freezes. No more earmuff shaky shakes. No more Cincinnati rainbow rah-rahs. I am SICK of looking at them doing their G-kicks, tricky spiders and Cape May choo-choos.
End this now or I will never set foot in your crappy mall again - ever! Never! It’s a terrible mall! It’s the worst mall in history! The bathrooms are dirty! PLEASE SEND ME COUPONS TO THE PIERCING PAGODA.
Friday, July 9, 2010
A Letter to Harvard University
Harvard University,
University Hall
Cambridge, MA 02138-3800
Dear Dr. (Name Removed),
I apologize that I was not home at the time of your call on the 26th
of February, 2010, but based on the information my roommate Walter provided me with, I am responding to your request with the following answer:
No.
Sadly, I will not be accepting your invitation to be the commencement speaker for this year’s Harvard graduating class. I am honored that you
thought my funny YouTube videos, new sneakers, and sweet looking ’98 Dodge Avenger would make me the perfect candidate to address the students. But I won’t be coming.
As I am sure you know, I was named to the Dean’s List for 8 straight semesters at a certain regional college in southern New Jersey. Due to this, I have a predetermined level of prestige that I must maintain. To put it nicely, I try to only make appearances at slightly more “prominent” schools. If I spoke at Harvard, I might as well be speaking from a dumpster behind a Quiznos. Besides, on the night of said speaking arrangement, I will be busy Tweeting, updating my Myspace page and blogging about my cats.
I thank you for your interest in me and I look forward to hearing from you again when your college has more name recognition and hotter chicks.
- Lester
University Hall
Cambridge, MA 02138-3800
Dear Dr. (Name Removed),
I apologize that I was not home at the time of your call on the 26th
of February, 2010, but based on the information my roommate Walter provided me with, I am responding to your request with the following answer:
No.
Sadly, I will not be accepting your invitation to be the commencement speaker for this year’s Harvard graduating class. I am honored that you
thought my funny YouTube videos, new sneakers, and sweet looking ’98 Dodge Avenger would make me the perfect candidate to address the students. But I won’t be coming.
As I am sure you know, I was named to the Dean’s List for 8 straight semesters at a certain regional college in southern New Jersey. Due to this, I have a predetermined level of prestige that I must maintain. To put it nicely, I try to only make appearances at slightly more “prominent” schools. If I spoke at Harvard, I might as well be speaking from a dumpster behind a Quiznos. Besides, on the night of said speaking arrangement, I will be busy Tweeting, updating my Myspace page and blogging about my cats.
I thank you for your interest in me and I look forward to hearing from you again when your college has more name recognition and hotter chicks.
- Lester
A Letter to the Shore Mall 2
Shore Mall
6725 Black Horse Pike
EHT, NJ 08234
Dear Shore Mall,
Can you keep a secret? I am getting married next summer! Now here’s where you come in – I would like to get married inside the Shore Mall. My special gal has been telling me for years that she has always dreamed of a lavish wedding and I couldn’t think of anything more lavish than your 80s-looking mall on the Black Horse Pike in Southern New Jersey.
So here’s the 411 - I want everything done inside of your mall. First the wedding. I want the actual ceremony to take place on top of the abandoned mall water fountain in front of the Boscov’s. My guests and I will enter through the Burlington Coat Factory store, and my wife will enter by the Frank’s Jewelers entrance (the one with all the trashcans and wheelchairs). While she is walking up the aisle, my wife will have the option to stop off and grab an Auntie Anne’s pretzel. Now, I don’t want to close down the mall, but as the ceremony progresses, mall cops should be on hand to attack any of the numerous shady characters who normally frequent your mall – even if they aren’t near my wedding.
The reception will be held between the Food Court and the DMV. All my guests will get unlimited fountain sodas and breadstix and boating licenses. They will also be permitted to use the arcade, but only to play Skee Ball and Virtua Fighter 2. When my guests get tired, they shall be allowed to spend the night sleeping on the smelly furniture inside the Boscov’s Furniture Outlet store.
Can you give me an idea of how much this would all cost me? Oh yes, I don’t need anything else changed or cleaned up, etc. I think the fact that the inside of the mall looks like a flea market on crack will only add to our special day.
6725 Black Horse Pike
EHT, NJ 08234
Dear Shore Mall,
Can you keep a secret? I am getting married next summer! Now here’s where you come in – I would like to get married inside the Shore Mall. My special gal has been telling me for years that she has always dreamed of a lavish wedding and I couldn’t think of anything more lavish than your 80s-looking mall on the Black Horse Pike in Southern New Jersey.
So here’s the 411 - I want everything done inside of your mall. First the wedding. I want the actual ceremony to take place on top of the abandoned mall water fountain in front of the Boscov’s. My guests and I will enter through the Burlington Coat Factory store, and my wife will enter by the Frank’s Jewelers entrance (the one with all the trashcans and wheelchairs). While she is walking up the aisle, my wife will have the option to stop off and grab an Auntie Anne’s pretzel. Now, I don’t want to close down the mall, but as the ceremony progresses, mall cops should be on hand to attack any of the numerous shady characters who normally frequent your mall – even if they aren’t near my wedding.
The reception will be held between the Food Court and the DMV. All my guests will get unlimited fountain sodas and breadstix and boating licenses. They will also be permitted to use the arcade, but only to play Skee Ball and Virtua Fighter 2. When my guests get tired, they shall be allowed to spend the night sleeping on the smelly furniture inside the Boscov’s Furniture Outlet store.
Can you give me an idea of how much this would all cost me? Oh yes, I don’t need anything else changed or cleaned up, etc. I think the fact that the inside of the mall looks like a flea market on crack will only add to our special day.
A Letter To Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY
P.O. BOX 69440
Los Angeles, CA
90069
Dear Abby,
My wife says she is going to leave me because I spend too much time writing to newspaper advice columnists. I say she is an idiot! I keep trying to tell her that advice columnists are much smarter that we common folk and that I like being talked down to by someone who doesn’t even have a degree in psychology – but she just won’t listen!
I see nothing wrong with writing to advice columnists 14 times per week – as long as it’s in regards to a pressing issue (FYI - I’m still waiting for you to tell me which checkbook design I should choose - “baby duck parade” or “ice cream sundaes of the Serengeti”). Now my wife is screaming at me that if I write one more letter, she is going to leave me forever. No man should have to choose between his wife and various syndicated newspaper columnists. What should I do?
Signed,
Newspaper Advice Columnless in Sheboygan
P.O. BOX 69440
Los Angeles, CA
90069
Dear Abby,
My wife says she is going to leave me because I spend too much time writing to newspaper advice columnists. I say she is an idiot! I keep trying to tell her that advice columnists are much smarter that we common folk and that I like being talked down to by someone who doesn’t even have a degree in psychology – but she just won’t listen!
I see nothing wrong with writing to advice columnists 14 times per week – as long as it’s in regards to a pressing issue (FYI - I’m still waiting for you to tell me which checkbook design I should choose - “baby duck parade” or “ice cream sundaes of the Serengeti”). Now my wife is screaming at me that if I write one more letter, she is going to leave me forever. No man should have to choose between his wife and various syndicated newspaper columnists. What should I do?
Signed,
Newspaper Advice Columnless in Sheboygan
Sunday, May 10, 2009
A Letter to MIT Mathematics Department
(Sent via E-mail)
Dear MIT Department of Mathematics,
My name is Spencer. My mentor, Dr. Leaky, pointed me in your direction in regards to one of my recent discoveries. (Discovery explained below!)
For centuries, attractive and popular mathematicians such as ourselves have been stuck dealing with the same stale slate of geometric shapes. You might just say we’ve been running in circles. Well, those days are over. You see, it took me 18 months and cost me my marriage, but last night at approximately 3:45am, my goal was accomplished. I INVENTED A NEW SHAPE.
Behold! The complex shape can be viewed by clicking HERE
As you can see, this shape is like nothing our industry has ever seen. I am fairly certain it is also the first shape that can breathe fire and attack other shapes (WHICH IT WILL DO). I am currently deciding between three names: “TriSquareatops,” “Rhombusaurus,” or “Tickle.”
Given its complex nature, I can already picture how fun it will be to watch toddlers try to stack TriSquareatops-shaped blocks. The task will certainly be impossible, but we won’t tell those little scamps that!
Let’s schedule a meeting so I can present this to your team and other curious parties. I’m already scheduled to meet with your science department on the 2nd of next month to discuss the recent groundbreaking correlation I discovered between gravity and parachute pants, E=MC Hammer. Let’s meet afterwards at the closest Baskin Robbins.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
- Spencer Pratt (CutiePieGuy71 at aol dot com)
Dear MIT Department of Mathematics,
My name is Spencer. My mentor, Dr. Leaky, pointed me in your direction in regards to one of my recent discoveries. (Discovery explained below!)
For centuries, attractive and popular mathematicians such as ourselves have been stuck dealing with the same stale slate of geometric shapes. You might just say we’ve been running in circles. Well, those days are over. You see, it took me 18 months and cost me my marriage, but last night at approximately 3:45am, my goal was accomplished. I INVENTED A NEW SHAPE.
Behold! The complex shape can be viewed by clicking HERE
As you can see, this shape is like nothing our industry has ever seen. I am fairly certain it is also the first shape that can breathe fire and attack other shapes (WHICH IT WILL DO). I am currently deciding between three names: “TriSquareatops,” “Rhombusaurus,” or “Tickle.”
Given its complex nature, I can already picture how fun it will be to watch toddlers try to stack TriSquareatops-shaped blocks. The task will certainly be impossible, but we won’t tell those little scamps that!
Let’s schedule a meeting so I can present this to your team and other curious parties. I’m already scheduled to meet with your science department on the 2nd of next month to discuss the recent groundbreaking correlation I discovered between gravity and parachute pants, E=MC Hammer. Let’s meet afterwards at the closest Baskin Robbins.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
- Spencer Pratt (CutiePieGuy71 at aol dot com)
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