Inn of the Dove
6665 Black Horse Pike
Egg Harbor TWP, NJ
08234
Dear Inn of the Dove,
I am suspicious of my wife! I think she might be making time with another man (WHO IS NOT ME). My first clue was last Friday when I came home and found her in bed with another man (WHO WAS NOT ME). She told me to, “Get the F out of the room, I’m trying to have an affair in here.” My second clue was when she posted pics of the affair on facebook and tagged me in them. As revenge, I have lined up a few trashy mistresses of my own. One has teeth. The other smells like Burger King. I want to reserve two “themed” rooms at your hotel for the occasion.
Room #1 “Sleazy Love Nest Inn Room”
This is the room you have that’s themed like a sleazy, Inn of the Dove-like room. It’s the one that has an old Jacuzzi, skanky sheets and an atmosphere of cigarettes and disease. Please stock the mini fridge with Teddy Grahams and Diet Shasta.
Room #2 “Saved by the Bell Room”
This is the room themed after the hit NBC show about Bayside High. It plays the Saved by the Bell theme every time you flush the potty. I want the giant cardboard cutouts of Lisa Turtle, Kelly Kapowski and the other girl to stay up. The cutouts of Zack, Screech and Belding must be taken down. LEAVE THE SLATER.
Please let me know if these rooms are available the last weekend in January. What did you think of the last episode of LOST?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
A Letter to Aldi Supermarket
ALDI Supermarket
2651 S. Vineland Dr.
Vineland, NJ
08360
Dear Aldi Supermarket,
I am writing to get the OK to set up a table in your cereal aisle during the week of February 5th. The table will be made of Oak. It is a table that I bought at Anne of Green Tables on rt. 4 (NOT the rt. 9 store – I am banned). It is a cute table. The table is rectangular. It glows in the dark. One time my dog humped one of the table legs. So did my uncle. This table will now be in your lobby on March 17th. With a sign. The sign shall read: “Supermarket Toll”. Whenever shoppers pass, I shall demand they pay a toll. I will be dressed in a bear suit. The toll will be $7 dollars cash money (I will also accept Disney Dollars).
To review, my plan is this:
1. Put a giant table in your store
2. Collect money from your customers
3. Wear the bear suit
Please let me know that you are on board with this. I am only doing it to impress my dog.
2651 S. Vineland Dr.
Vineland, NJ
08360
Dear Aldi Supermarket,
I am writing to get the OK to set up a table in your cereal aisle during the week of February 5th. The table will be made of Oak. It is a table that I bought at Anne of Green Tables on rt. 4 (NOT the rt. 9 store – I am banned). It is a cute table. The table is rectangular. It glows in the dark. One time my dog humped one of the table legs. So did my uncle. This table will now be in your lobby on March 17th. With a sign. The sign shall read: “Supermarket Toll”. Whenever shoppers pass, I shall demand they pay a toll. I will be dressed in a bear suit. The toll will be $7 dollars cash money (I will also accept Disney Dollars).
To review, my plan is this:
1. Put a giant table in your store
2. Collect money from your customers
3. Wear the bear suit
Please let me know that you are on board with this. I am only doing it to impress my dog.
A Letter to the Deptford Mall
Deptford Mall
1750 Deptford Center Road
Deptford, NJ
08096
Dear Deptford Mall,
There are too many teens break dancing in the mall. Every time I am there shopping for tank tops, I see them out in front of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels break dancing to various jams and rhythms. These kids do everything - side steps, power circles, outlaw spins, hip twists, funky clowns. I mean everything – belly swims, hamster dives, baby swipes, helicopter kittens, jelly smashes, pajama shanks. I want it to stop. No more scooter freezes. No more earmuff shaky shakes. No more Cincinnati rainbow rah-rahs. I am SICK of looking at them doing their G-kicks, tricky spiders and Cape May choo-choos.
End this now or I will never set foot in your crappy mall again - ever! Never! It’s a terrible mall! It’s the worst mall in history! The bathrooms are dirty! PLEASE SEND ME COUPONS TO THE PIERCING PAGODA.
1750 Deptford Center Road
Deptford, NJ
08096
Dear Deptford Mall,
There are too many teens break dancing in the mall. Every time I am there shopping for tank tops, I see them out in front of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels break dancing to various jams and rhythms. These kids do everything - side steps, power circles, outlaw spins, hip twists, funky clowns. I mean everything – belly swims, hamster dives, baby swipes, helicopter kittens, jelly smashes, pajama shanks. I want it to stop. No more scooter freezes. No more earmuff shaky shakes. No more Cincinnati rainbow rah-rahs. I am SICK of looking at them doing their G-kicks, tricky spiders and Cape May choo-choos.
End this now or I will never set foot in your crappy mall again - ever! Never! It’s a terrible mall! It’s the worst mall in history! The bathrooms are dirty! PLEASE SEND ME COUPONS TO THE PIERCING PAGODA.
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