Harvard University,
University Hall
Cambridge, MA 02138-3800
Dear Dr. (Name Removed),
I apologize that I was not home at the time of your call on the 26th
of February, 2010, but based on the information my roommate Walter provided me with, I am responding to your request with the following answer:
No.
Sadly, I will not be accepting your invitation to be the commencement speaker for this year’s Harvard graduating class. I am honored that you
thought my funny YouTube videos, new sneakers, and sweet looking ’98 Dodge Avenger would make me the perfect candidate to address the students. But I won’t be coming.
As I am sure you know, I was named to the Dean’s List for 8 straight semesters at a certain regional college in southern New Jersey. Due to this, I have a predetermined level of prestige that I must maintain. To put it nicely, I try to only make appearances at slightly more “prominent” schools. If I spoke at Harvard, I might as well be speaking from a dumpster behind a Quiznos. Besides, on the night of said speaking arrangement, I will be busy Tweeting, updating my Myspace page and blogging about my cats.
I thank you for your interest in me and I look forward to hearing from you again when your college has more name recognition and hotter chicks.
- Lester
Friday, July 9, 2010
A Letter to the Shore Mall 2
Shore Mall
6725 Black Horse Pike
EHT, NJ 08234
Dear Shore Mall,
Can you keep a secret? I am getting married next summer! Now here’s where you come in – I would like to get married inside the Shore Mall. My special gal has been telling me for years that she has always dreamed of a lavish wedding and I couldn’t think of anything more lavish than your 80s-looking mall on the Black Horse Pike in Southern New Jersey.
So here’s the 411 - I want everything done inside of your mall. First the wedding. I want the actual ceremony to take place on top of the abandoned mall water fountain in front of the Boscov’s. My guests and I will enter through the Burlington Coat Factory store, and my wife will enter by the Frank’s Jewelers entrance (the one with all the trashcans and wheelchairs). While she is walking up the aisle, my wife will have the option to stop off and grab an Auntie Anne’s pretzel. Now, I don’t want to close down the mall, but as the ceremony progresses, mall cops should be on hand to attack any of the numerous shady characters who normally frequent your mall – even if they aren’t near my wedding.
The reception will be held between the Food Court and the DMV. All my guests will get unlimited fountain sodas and breadstix and boating licenses. They will also be permitted to use the arcade, but only to play Skee Ball and Virtua Fighter 2. When my guests get tired, they shall be allowed to spend the night sleeping on the smelly furniture inside the Boscov’s Furniture Outlet store.
Can you give me an idea of how much this would all cost me? Oh yes, I don’t need anything else changed or cleaned up, etc. I think the fact that the inside of the mall looks like a flea market on crack will only add to our special day.
6725 Black Horse Pike
EHT, NJ 08234
Dear Shore Mall,
Can you keep a secret? I am getting married next summer! Now here’s where you come in – I would like to get married inside the Shore Mall. My special gal has been telling me for years that she has always dreamed of a lavish wedding and I couldn’t think of anything more lavish than your 80s-looking mall on the Black Horse Pike in Southern New Jersey.
So here’s the 411 - I want everything done inside of your mall. First the wedding. I want the actual ceremony to take place on top of the abandoned mall water fountain in front of the Boscov’s. My guests and I will enter through the Burlington Coat Factory store, and my wife will enter by the Frank’s Jewelers entrance (the one with all the trashcans and wheelchairs). While she is walking up the aisle, my wife will have the option to stop off and grab an Auntie Anne’s pretzel. Now, I don’t want to close down the mall, but as the ceremony progresses, mall cops should be on hand to attack any of the numerous shady characters who normally frequent your mall – even if they aren’t near my wedding.
The reception will be held between the Food Court and the DMV. All my guests will get unlimited fountain sodas and breadstix and boating licenses. They will also be permitted to use the arcade, but only to play Skee Ball and Virtua Fighter 2. When my guests get tired, they shall be allowed to spend the night sleeping on the smelly furniture inside the Boscov’s Furniture Outlet store.
Can you give me an idea of how much this would all cost me? Oh yes, I don’t need anything else changed or cleaned up, etc. I think the fact that the inside of the mall looks like a flea market on crack will only add to our special day.
A Letter To Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY
P.O. BOX 69440
Los Angeles, CA
90069
Dear Abby,
My wife says she is going to leave me because I spend too much time writing to newspaper advice columnists. I say she is an idiot! I keep trying to tell her that advice columnists are much smarter that we common folk and that I like being talked down to by someone who doesn’t even have a degree in psychology – but she just won’t listen!
I see nothing wrong with writing to advice columnists 14 times per week – as long as it’s in regards to a pressing issue (FYI - I’m still waiting for you to tell me which checkbook design I should choose - “baby duck parade” or “ice cream sundaes of the Serengeti”). Now my wife is screaming at me that if I write one more letter, she is going to leave me forever. No man should have to choose between his wife and various syndicated newspaper columnists. What should I do?
Signed,
Newspaper Advice Columnless in Sheboygan
P.O. BOX 69440
Los Angeles, CA
90069
Dear Abby,
My wife says she is going to leave me because I spend too much time writing to newspaper advice columnists. I say she is an idiot! I keep trying to tell her that advice columnists are much smarter that we common folk and that I like being talked down to by someone who doesn’t even have a degree in psychology – but she just won’t listen!
I see nothing wrong with writing to advice columnists 14 times per week – as long as it’s in regards to a pressing issue (FYI - I’m still waiting for you to tell me which checkbook design I should choose - “baby duck parade” or “ice cream sundaes of the Serengeti”). Now my wife is screaming at me that if I write one more letter, she is going to leave me forever. No man should have to choose between his wife and various syndicated newspaper columnists. What should I do?
Signed,
Newspaper Advice Columnless in Sheboygan
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