A Letter to MIT Mathematics Department

(Sent via E-mail)

Dear MIT Department of Mathematics,

My name is Spencer. My mentor, Dr. Leaky, pointed me in your direction in regards to one of my recent discoveries. (Discovery explained below!)

For centuries, attractive and popular mathematicians such as ourselves have been stuck dealing with the same stale slate of geometric shapes. You might just say we’ve been running in circles. Well, those days are over. You see, it took me 18 months and cost me my marriage, but last night at approximately 3:45am, my goal was accomplished. I INVENTED A NEW SHAPE.
Behold! The complex shape can be viewed by clicking HERE

As you can see, this shape is like nothing our industry has ever seen. I am fairly certain it is also the first shape that can breathe fire and attack other shapes (WHICH IT WILL DO). I am currently deciding between three names: “TriSquareatops,” “Rhombusaurus,” or “Tickle.”

Given its complex nature, I can already picture how fun it will be to watch toddlers try to stack TriSquareatops-shaped blocks. The task will certainly be impossible, but we won’t tell those little scamps that!

Let’s schedule a meeting so I can present this to your team and other curious parties. I’m already scheduled to meet with your science department on the 2nd of next month to discuss the recent groundbreaking correlation I discovered between gravity and parachute pants, E=MC Hammer. Let’s meet afterwards at the closest Baskin Robbins.


Looking forward to hearing from you,

- Spencer Pratt (CutiePieGuy71 at aol dot com)

A Letter to Sports Authority

Sports Authority
935 First Avenue

King of Prussia, PA 19406

Dear Sports Authority,

Not enough people give thanks these days. So here it goes. I just wanted to congratulate the entire Sports Authority team on the fantastic job they are doing alleviating many of the traffic issues in regards to the bridges, tunnels and bus stations that you manage in New York City and Northern New Jersey. In particular, the operation of the Sports Authority Bus Terminal near Times Square has been fantastic. When I am traveling and I see the Sports Authority name on a terminal, I know I can look forward to fast and friendly service. Oh, any chance on adding some more bus times?

Thanks again,
Kevin McAlister

A Letter to The Port Authority

The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey
Customer Services
Tunnels, Bridges and Terminals
One Madison Avenue, 5th Floor
New York, NY 10010

Dear Port Authority,
I recently purchased a fishing rod at your sporting goods store in Cherry Hill and the service was fantastic! This is exactly why I always buy by sporting goods at Port Authority and not one of your competitors like Dick’s Sports. I also think the Port Authority has the best selection on sporting goods around. Keep up the great work and I’ll be seeing you this fall when I’m ready to buy a new ping-pong table. You know what I always say, “If it’s anything sports, it’s gotta be the Port Authority!”

Thanks,
Brody Jenner