My Letter to The Garden State Parkway (*NOTE* I never actually sent this one!)
Department of Transportation
P.O. Box 600
Trenton, NJ 08625-0600
Dear Department of Transportation:
My name is Theodore Sinclair. You may remember me from my letter in 1987 concerning a type of car that I saw on an episode of ..Mr. Belvedere... I am writing you today in regards to The Garden State Parkway.
My first issue is that the people who collect the tolls are almost NEVER good looking. I..ve seen better looking people at Wal Mart on prom night. Most of these collectors make me want to puke. When I cruise up to the tolls, I just slow to 20 and toss my nickels through the window. No reason to stop. That..s why you need hot babes in bikinis and/or low cut dresses fielding my coin. It..s a tool booth, not a troll booth.
Also, the Parkway is SO boring! My suggestion is that at each toll one of the nude models gives you a CLUE. When you ride the Parkway you collect these clues to solve some sort of mystery. Everyone loves mysteries. The first person to solve the mystery gets to choose from a prize box. You could win season one of Facts of Life on dvd, a hat, Italian water ice, or sex.
The mystery chase also forces the Parkway to be much more of a race. As such, we..ll need to eliminate lanes and speed limits. We..ll also have to add various power-ups and weapons, so it can be more like Mario Kart. I like Mario Kart. I am always TOAD.
I am also VERY happy that you stopped collecting tolls both ways. Other states were mocking us because we used to go ..both ways... It made us seem VERY gay. These states were wondering just what kind of fruits our Garden state was growing.
A few other suggestions:
- Limited edition U2/Oprah RED exit ramps at select locations.
- Rest stops every 3 miles. (I HAVE BLADDER ISSUES.)
- Free pony rides at exit 100.
- See above, but replace ..pony.. with ..hooker...
- Every Wednesday is ..80s night. ONLY cars from the ..80s allowed.
- Special 3-D glasses on Saturdays so when you drive everything is 3-dimensional.
- Pass an even exit, drink a beer. WITHIN REASON.
- Billboards that let you play, ..Where..s Waldo...
- The ability to force people to switch cars with you at any moment.
Please contact me in regards to my suggestions. I really feel that we can team up to win back the people of New Jersey if you give me a six-figure salary and put my plans in motion. I am free to meet anytime EXCEPT Thursday nights (Grey..s Anatomy).
Sincerely,
Theodore Sinclair
Saturday, March 24, 2007
A Letter to English Muffins
I sent this off to Thomas' English Muffins.....
George Weston Bakeries
55 Paradise La.
Bay Shore, NY 11706
Dear Company That Makes Thomas’ English Muffins,
Hi. You may not remember me, but I remember you. Each and every one of you who helps to give birth to new English Muffins every day. You have no idea how much English Muffins have meant to me. They have always been there in my time of need and I wanted to give you some thumbs ups.
Here is a very sad story. When I was a little boy growing up during the late ‘60s in Parasail, Australia….I had no real friends. For a brief period of time I befriended a koala named Glenny and a kangaroo named Mr. Tuddles. Each Sunday morning I would venture out into the briar patch and feed Glenny and Mr. Tuddles English Muffins topped with cranberries. They loved them. One Sunday morning everything went wrong. I only had 1 Thomas’ brand muffin at my house, so I had to use two generic muffins as replacements. SIGH. When I arrived at the briar patch, I ate the real English Muffin and I gave the knock-offs to Glenny and Mr. Tuddles. I think they could tell that they were not the real deal, but they didn’t want to say anything. In part because it would be kanga-rude, in part because they couldn’t talk.
The next Sunday when I showed up, Glenny and Mr. Tuddles were both dead. I poked them with my poking stick a few dozen times to make sure. Yep, they were dead. I knew I had killed them by feeding them non-Thomas English muffins. I committed Thomaside (homicide). I promised myself I would never make that mistake again. Or would I?
No, I wouldn’t. But this past week I was in the store and I purchased what I thought was a six-pack of your English Muffins. I am a single father and this morning I called the 5 children I still like down for breakfast. I set up 6 plates….for the 5 kids and 1 fo’ myself. When I opened the bag, I realized your “company” selfishly only put 5 muffins inside.
I knew what had to be done. I am the “bread winner” of the house and I needed my energy, so I had to eat. I tried to decide which one of the 5 kids wouldn’t eat breakfast today, but it is a tough choice for a parent to pick favorites, so instead I ate all 5 muffins. The kids ate nothing. I made them sit there and watch me eat each delectable one, as I told them that the Thomas company was to blame for their starvation. The kids were angry and it was destroying our family. I made each kid write their feelings about your muffins so you could feel my pain. Here are some:
Stuart: (age 5) “The Thomas’ English Muffins corporation makes my tummy cry.”
Bethany: (age 7) “I’d rather shoot myself in the face or watch ABC Family before I look at another one of your muffins.”
Penny: (age 15) “If The Thomas’ English Muffins Corp was a contestant on American Idol, I would NOT text you a vote via my Cingular Wireless phone.”
Bret: (age 16) “English Muffins? More like English Suckins.”
So Thomas’, on behalf of my family, I’d just like to thank your for your ignorance that has caused my children to go hungry. Don’t worry though….I just got back from the store and since the kids now loath your company, I picked them up a bag of generic-brand muffins. God help you if I have to break out that poking stick.
Yours,
X
PS. I just thought of an invention for the wintertime…English EarMuffins.
George Weston Bakeries
55 Paradise La.
Bay Shore, NY 11706
Dear Company That Makes Thomas’ English Muffins,
Hi. You may not remember me, but I remember you. Each and every one of you who helps to give birth to new English Muffins every day. You have no idea how much English Muffins have meant to me. They have always been there in my time of need and I wanted to give you some thumbs ups.
Here is a very sad story. When I was a little boy growing up during the late ‘60s in Parasail, Australia….I had no real friends. For a brief period of time I befriended a koala named Glenny and a kangaroo named Mr. Tuddles. Each Sunday morning I would venture out into the briar patch and feed Glenny and Mr. Tuddles English Muffins topped with cranberries. They loved them. One Sunday morning everything went wrong. I only had 1 Thomas’ brand muffin at my house, so I had to use two generic muffins as replacements. SIGH. When I arrived at the briar patch, I ate the real English Muffin and I gave the knock-offs to Glenny and Mr. Tuddles. I think they could tell that they were not the real deal, but they didn’t want to say anything. In part because it would be kanga-rude, in part because they couldn’t talk.
The next Sunday when I showed up, Glenny and Mr. Tuddles were both dead. I poked them with my poking stick a few dozen times to make sure. Yep, they were dead. I knew I had killed them by feeding them non-Thomas English muffins. I committed Thomaside (homicide). I promised myself I would never make that mistake again. Or would I?
No, I wouldn’t. But this past week I was in the store and I purchased what I thought was a six-pack of your English Muffins. I am a single father and this morning I called the 5 children I still like down for breakfast. I set up 6 plates….for the 5 kids and 1 fo’ myself. When I opened the bag, I realized your “company” selfishly only put 5 muffins inside.
I knew what had to be done. I am the “bread winner” of the house and I needed my energy, so I had to eat. I tried to decide which one of the 5 kids wouldn’t eat breakfast today, but it is a tough choice for a parent to pick favorites, so instead I ate all 5 muffins. The kids ate nothing. I made them sit there and watch me eat each delectable one, as I told them that the Thomas company was to blame for their starvation. The kids were angry and it was destroying our family. I made each kid write their feelings about your muffins so you could feel my pain. Here are some:
Stuart: (age 5) “The Thomas’ English Muffins corporation makes my tummy cry.”
Bethany: (age 7) “I’d rather shoot myself in the face or watch ABC Family before I look at another one of your muffins.”
Penny: (age 15) “If The Thomas’ English Muffins Corp was a contestant on American Idol, I would NOT text you a vote via my Cingular Wireless phone.”
Bret: (age 16) “English Muffins? More like English Suckins.”
So Thomas’, on behalf of my family, I’d just like to thank your for your ignorance that has caused my children to go hungry. Don’t worry though….I just got back from the store and since the kids now loath your company, I picked them up a bag of generic-brand muffins. God help you if I have to break out that poking stick.
Yours,
X
PS. I just thought of an invention for the wintertime…English EarMuffins.
Letter to Nick Jr.
I sent this letter off to the gang at Nick Jr.
Nick Jr
1515 Broadway
New York, NY 10036
Dear Nick Jr.,
I like the way you work it. Blue’s Clues is my favorite TV show. If I had to make a list of the 3 greatest TV shows of all time, it would be: 1) Cheers 2) St. Elsewhere 3) Blue’s Clues. Jake and The Fat Man runs a close #4.
I have been playing along with Blue’s Clues for almost 10 years now. I am GREAT. I kick ass at the “Which One is the Dog?” game. But alas…now that I am 33 the game doesn’t seem as challenging. I can tell which one of the 3 objects isn’t the apple in under 5 minutes.
To make the game more challenging, I recently invented Blue’s Clues: The Drinking Game, or Booze Clues as it is known around the office. It is MUCH harder to remember what Blue’s favorite color is after knocking back 7 or 8 Whiskies. Believe me.
The rules are as follows:
If the dog is on the screen, you drink.
If that guy is on the screen, you drink.
Every time the dog barks, booze it.
One of those stupid kids yells something? It’s Miller time.
If the kids solve Blue’s Clues at the end, then you smoke some joints.
The ultimate goal of this game is to get really wasted. I am aware that some little kids watch this show. I am assuming they are child prodigies or baby geniuses. I don’t want to be accused of age discrimination (again) so these kids can booze it up too, but they may want to wait until they are at least 11 when it is more socially acceptable.
Let me know if you want in on my game so we can make it and make me money.
Yours,
X
P.S. I also wrote a NEW theme song for Blue’s Clues. Not “all” new but I took the beat from the song “Footloose” and wrote all new lyrics. By “all new” I mean whenever they say “footloose” I changed it to “Blue’s Clues.” Try it….it works.
Nick Jr
1515 Broadway
New York, NY 10036
Dear Nick Jr.,
I like the way you work it. Blue’s Clues is my favorite TV show. If I had to make a list of the 3 greatest TV shows of all time, it would be: 1) Cheers 2) St. Elsewhere 3) Blue’s Clues. Jake and The Fat Man runs a close #4.
I have been playing along with Blue’s Clues for almost 10 years now. I am GREAT. I kick ass at the “Which One is the Dog?” game. But alas…now that I am 33 the game doesn’t seem as challenging. I can tell which one of the 3 objects isn’t the apple in under 5 minutes.
To make the game more challenging, I recently invented Blue’s Clues: The Drinking Game, or Booze Clues as it is known around the office. It is MUCH harder to remember what Blue’s favorite color is after knocking back 7 or 8 Whiskies. Believe me.
The rules are as follows:
If the dog is on the screen, you drink.
If that guy is on the screen, you drink.
Every time the dog barks, booze it.
One of those stupid kids yells something? It’s Miller time.
If the kids solve Blue’s Clues at the end, then you smoke some joints.
The ultimate goal of this game is to get really wasted. I am aware that some little kids watch this show. I am assuming they are child prodigies or baby geniuses. I don’t want to be accused of age discrimination (again) so these kids can booze it up too, but they may want to wait until they are at least 11 when it is more socially acceptable.
Let me know if you want in on my game so we can make it and make me money.
Yours,
X
P.S. I also wrote a NEW theme song for Blue’s Clues. Not “all” new but I took the beat from the song “Footloose” and wrote all new lyrics. By “all new” I mean whenever they say “footloose” I changed it to “Blue’s Clues.” Try it….it works.
Letter to Super Fresh
I sent this off to the local food shop. They sent me back some harsh words.
Hey Super Fresh-
Deli meats. They are an important part of any super market. To me, they are the most important part. Right up there with the cereal section and bagel booth. You know the usual suspects: ham, pepperoni, bologna….I love them all! (I don't like pimento loaf, and therefore refuse to bestow it with deli meat status). I am VERY particular with my DELI meats however, and recently I have been VERY dissatisfied with your department. Let me speak on this.
My name is Edna. I am a working mother with 2 or 3 kids, and I work very hard at my job as a napkin production inspector specialist. After work, I like to unwind by doing THINGS. That's where your deli meats come in. Oh my, they are yummily tastetastic. Sometimes even lip-smackingly delectable! However, due to recent incidents in my life involving issues, I now like to have my deli meats sliced thin. THIN. Not "sort of thin" or "thicky thin." THIN. Not "medium thin" "semi thin" or "thinny deluxe." THIN! My slogan is "I like deli in my belly, but if it ain't thin it can't go in." Oh yes, so here is the situation.
It all went down like this. The past few times I have been in your "super" store to buy things such as waffles, a snickers, tangelos, juice boxes, razors, hash browns and marshmallows, I have also stopped by your deli division. When I request my desired meats to the meat person, I always politely smile and ask for them THIN. THIN THIN THIN. THIN!!!! Guess what. They come back anything but thin. This same massacre of meats happened three weeks in a row, and now I am FED UP WITH YOUR MEATS. (This is ironic since I haven't actually been "fed" by them at all recently.)
How hard is it to slice deli meats thin? I mean come on. THIN! This is the year 2000-something. We've put some people on the moon and invented the pocket fisherman. One would assume we could accomplish the thin slicing of deli meats with unfailing consistency. WRONG. THIN! Now, I don't want to get anyone in particular in your department in trouble, but I felt this was something VERY important to bring to your attention immediately so you could take care of this chaos and bring the meats situation back to the better times. Guess what! As of right now, I will now get my deli meats cut at the Acme(s), where they actually LISTEN to their customers and are actually able to cut deli meats THIN. WOW!!! Also, they have a sale on fruit snacks. Until this state of affairs is fixed, you can find me at Acme(s). Good bye Super Fresh. Or should I say "Not So-Super Fresh."
Yours Always N Forever,
X
Hey Super Fresh-
Deli meats. They are an important part of any super market. To me, they are the most important part. Right up there with the cereal section and bagel booth. You know the usual suspects: ham, pepperoni, bologna….I love them all! (I don't like pimento loaf, and therefore refuse to bestow it with deli meat status). I am VERY particular with my DELI meats however, and recently I have been VERY dissatisfied with your department. Let me speak on this.
My name is Edna. I am a working mother with 2 or 3 kids, and I work very hard at my job as a napkin production inspector specialist. After work, I like to unwind by doing THINGS. That's where your deli meats come in. Oh my, they are yummily tastetastic. Sometimes even lip-smackingly delectable! However, due to recent incidents in my life involving issues, I now like to have my deli meats sliced thin. THIN. Not "sort of thin" or "thicky thin." THIN. Not "medium thin" "semi thin" or "thinny deluxe." THIN! My slogan is "I like deli in my belly, but if it ain't thin it can't go in." Oh yes, so here is the situation.
It all went down like this. The past few times I have been in your "super" store to buy things such as waffles, a snickers, tangelos, juice boxes, razors, hash browns and marshmallows, I have also stopped by your deli division. When I request my desired meats to the meat person, I always politely smile and ask for them THIN. THIN THIN THIN. THIN!!!! Guess what. They come back anything but thin. This same massacre of meats happened three weeks in a row, and now I am FED UP WITH YOUR MEATS. (This is ironic since I haven't actually been "fed" by them at all recently.)
How hard is it to slice deli meats thin? I mean come on. THIN! This is the year 2000-something. We've put some people on the moon and invented the pocket fisherman. One would assume we could accomplish the thin slicing of deli meats with unfailing consistency. WRONG. THIN! Now, I don't want to get anyone in particular in your department in trouble, but I felt this was something VERY important to bring to your attention immediately so you could take care of this chaos and bring the meats situation back to the better times. Guess what! As of right now, I will now get my deli meats cut at the Acme(s), where they actually LISTEN to their customers and are actually able to cut deli meats THIN. WOW!!! Also, they have a sale on fruit snacks. Until this state of affairs is fixed, you can find me at Acme(s). Good bye Super Fresh. Or should I say "Not So-Super Fresh."
Yours Always N Forever,
X
Letter to the Mint
*Never sent this one, for obvious reasons.*
Dear U$ Mint-
I like money! I just wanted to thank you for making it. I like money so much that I tend to collect it. Sometimes, I'll even carry it around with me. In my pants. I am such a big fan of money that I even have to store it in a bank! Wait. I do have some problems though. Problems with the currency. Hopefully I can "change" your mind. HAHAHAHA…change!! The laugh doctor is in!!! You can "bill" me later!!! HAHAHAHA …bill!!!
I am getting very tired of seeing the same people on the same denominations of bills. Every time I reach into my wallet, Washington, Lincoln or Stevenson is starring back at me. They were all fine Presidents, and I love them, but I think it's time to move on. They are hogging the spotlight from other people. I think we have "paid" them their due respect by placing them on various coins and dollars for the better part of the past 25 years. In order for our country to grow, and prosper we have to start honoring other peeps as well. Our currency needs a "face lift" (hahaha). I wouldn't want to wear the same pants that people did 30 years ago, so why should I be using the same money? THINK ABOUT IT.
How about giving some other *EDIT EDIT EDIT* (sorry, I can't post this part). Personally, I'd like to see Taft on my 1 dollar bill. "That will be 4 Tafts, please." Then me and the shop keep could discuss the former President. What about Nixon? Everybody loved him, so what not stick him on the 20? People always inspect 20 dollar bills, because they think they might be illegal. This would be ironic, and people would laugh! Or maybe even an entire series of Presidential pets. From Clinton's Socks, to Johnson's beagle to Lincoln's slaves. It would be fun! OH! Or what about a series with the Presidents wearing funny hats!! With a caption that has them saying, "Show me the money!!!"
Also, I don't like the color of money anymore. BORING!! My friend Gus says green is very 80's. I don't need people giving me dirty looks when I use out of style money. What about pink? Blue? Orange? Green? Or Banana? And lets change the shapes of the bills. Ewwwww rectangles!!! I'd like my money to be twice the size, and in the shape of a trapezoid. Also, they should be scratch and sniff. Possibly 3D.
Why not just get rid of the Presidents all together? I'd like to see a celebrity series. Everybody likes celebrities. We could harvest them from the covers of today hippest magazines. Think of the possibilities! Justin Timberlake on the 1. Tom Hanks on the 5. J-lo "On the Six" (HAHAHAHAHA Get it??? That was the name of her cd!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA). Steve Guttenberg could hold down the 20, while Carson Daily would put the 50-dollar bill over with "the kids."
These are just some of my ideas, but I have lots more. Remind me to tell you about my plan to convert all coins over to Poggs. Let me know what you think of MY ideas as soon as possible, and then we'll set up a meeting at the most convenient time for me. By the way, my friend told me that on the 5,000-dollar bill, there is a picture of the 1957 St. Louis Cardinals. Is this true? That seems pretty silly.
-ME
Dear U$ Mint-
I like money! I just wanted to thank you for making it. I like money so much that I tend to collect it. Sometimes, I'll even carry it around with me. In my pants. I am such a big fan of money that I even have to store it in a bank! Wait. I do have some problems though. Problems with the currency. Hopefully I can "change" your mind. HAHAHAHA…change!! The laugh doctor is in!!! You can "bill" me later!!! HAHAHAHA …bill!!!
I am getting very tired of seeing the same people on the same denominations of bills. Every time I reach into my wallet, Washington, Lincoln or Stevenson is starring back at me. They were all fine Presidents, and I love them, but I think it's time to move on. They are hogging the spotlight from other people. I think we have "paid" them their due respect by placing them on various coins and dollars for the better part of the past 25 years. In order for our country to grow, and prosper we have to start honoring other peeps as well. Our currency needs a "face lift" (hahaha). I wouldn't want to wear the same pants that people did 30 years ago, so why should I be using the same money? THINK ABOUT IT.
How about giving some other *EDIT EDIT EDIT* (sorry, I can't post this part). Personally, I'd like to see Taft on my 1 dollar bill. "That will be 4 Tafts, please." Then me and the shop keep could discuss the former President. What about Nixon? Everybody loved him, so what not stick him on the 20? People always inspect 20 dollar bills, because they think they might be illegal. This would be ironic, and people would laugh! Or maybe even an entire series of Presidential pets. From Clinton's Socks, to Johnson's beagle to Lincoln's slaves. It would be fun! OH! Or what about a series with the Presidents wearing funny hats!! With a caption that has them saying, "Show me the money!!!"
Also, I don't like the color of money anymore. BORING!! My friend Gus says green is very 80's. I don't need people giving me dirty looks when I use out of style money. What about pink? Blue? Orange? Green? Or Banana? And lets change the shapes of the bills. Ewwwww rectangles!!! I'd like my money to be twice the size, and in the shape of a trapezoid. Also, they should be scratch and sniff. Possibly 3D.
Why not just get rid of the Presidents all together? I'd like to see a celebrity series. Everybody likes celebrities. We could harvest them from the covers of today hippest magazines. Think of the possibilities! Justin Timberlake on the 1. Tom Hanks on the 5. J-lo "On the Six" (HAHAHAHAHA Get it??? That was the name of her cd!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA). Steve Guttenberg could hold down the 20, while Carson Daily would put the 50-dollar bill over with "the kids."
These are just some of my ideas, but I have lots more. Remind me to tell you about my plan to convert all coins over to Poggs. Let me know what you think of MY ideas as soon as possible, and then we'll set up a meeting at the most convenient time for me. By the way, my friend told me that on the 5,000-dollar bill, there is a picture of the 1957 St. Louis Cardinals. Is this true? That seems pretty silly.
-ME
Letter to KMART
I wrote this letter to K-Mart....and yes, I really did include the pictures.
CEO Julian C. Day
Kmart Headquarters
3100 W. Big Beaver Rd.
Troy, MI
48084
Dear Julian,
Attention Kmart CEO's, there is currently a situation "brewing" at your Somers Point shopping megaplex. The name is Jimmy Sprinkles, but you can call me….anytime. Recently I stopped by your Somers Point store to buy a popcorn tin. It was the one with pictures of kittens playing with yarn. I was happy with all of the kittens, except the brownish one, who wasn't adorable enough for me. But lets get down to "fizz-ness"….
As I was leaving your store {:*( }I saw two soda or "sody" machines. They each had a massive white sticker on the corner that read "1.00." I reached into my pocket and pulled out a shinny new dollar bill. I quickly rushed inside to the cashier, slapped that dollar on the counter and told the cashier that I wanted to buy that Coke machine outside and here is the dollar. She laughed in my face. So then I said, "fine, I'll take the Pepsi machine instead." More laughs ensued at my expense. Embarrassed and angry I grabbed my kitten popcorn tin and stormed out of your store as tears rolled down my face.
Why couldn't I buy that Coke machine for a dollar as advertised? The sticker on it clearly let me know what the price was, however your store failed to honor it. The lady said that price was only for individual sodas, yet it was the MACHINE that was labeled. Now…would I buy a kitten popcorn tin and expect to pay the sticker price for just ONE kernal? I don't think so. MEOW. Your store used deceitful and ill hearted tactics.
I have enclosed several pictures for evidence. One is of me looking at the 1.00 sign with a very big confused look on my face. The second is of me holding a dollar while pointing to the sign looking very angry. The third is of me grabbing the Coke machine and looking very STUNNED. The fourth is a picture of me at the Grand Canyon when I was 6 and there is mustard all over my face. I included this because I looked adorable. Please take care of this situation so I know when I can pick up my soda machine and give you a dollar. (tax?)
Sincerely,
ME
CEO Julian C. Day
Kmart Headquarters
3100 W. Big Beaver Rd.
Troy, MI
48084
Dear Julian,
Attention Kmart CEO's, there is currently a situation "brewing" at your Somers Point shopping megaplex. The name is Jimmy Sprinkles, but you can call me….anytime. Recently I stopped by your Somers Point store to buy a popcorn tin. It was the one with pictures of kittens playing with yarn. I was happy with all of the kittens, except the brownish one, who wasn't adorable enough for me. But lets get down to "fizz-ness"….
As I was leaving your store {:*( }I saw two soda or "sody" machines. They each had a massive white sticker on the corner that read "1.00." I reached into my pocket and pulled out a shinny new dollar bill. I quickly rushed inside to the cashier, slapped that dollar on the counter and told the cashier that I wanted to buy that Coke machine outside and here is the dollar. She laughed in my face. So then I said, "fine, I'll take the Pepsi machine instead." More laughs ensued at my expense. Embarrassed and angry I grabbed my kitten popcorn tin and stormed out of your store as tears rolled down my face.
Why couldn't I buy that Coke machine for a dollar as advertised? The sticker on it clearly let me know what the price was, however your store failed to honor it. The lady said that price was only for individual sodas, yet it was the MACHINE that was labeled. Now…would I buy a kitten popcorn tin and expect to pay the sticker price for just ONE kernal? I don't think so. MEOW. Your store used deceitful and ill hearted tactics.
I have enclosed several pictures for evidence. One is of me looking at the 1.00 sign with a very big confused look on my face. The second is of me holding a dollar while pointing to the sign looking very angry. The third is of me grabbing the Coke machine and looking very STUNNED. The fourth is a picture of me at the Grand Canyon when I was 6 and there is mustard all over my face. I included this because I looked adorable. Please take care of this situation so I know when I can pick up my soda machine and give you a dollar. (tax?)
Sincerely,
ME
Letter to KFC
At some point in my life I wrote this letter to KFC. This was back in the day when KFC still stood for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
KFC
1441 Gardiner Lane
Louisville, KY
40213
Dear Mr. Sanders
ELEVEN. It's a powerful little number. How old was I when I first savored KFC? ELEVEN. How many different KFCs have I visited in my lifetime? ELEVEN. And what's the eleventh letter of the alphabet? You got it….K! As in KFC. Why is eleven such an amazingly KFC-tastic number? I think we all know the answer to this…the ELEVEN herbs and spices!!
I love KFC. I love it more than anything in this world. From the darkest darks to whitest whites and all shades of meat in between, KFC is without a doubt the BEST food ever made in a deep fryer! I eat at KFC at least 10 times a week. Each morning my sister and I arrive at your store at the stroke of ELEVEN to sink our teeth into a savory fresh biscuit. And on various evenings I treat the family to buckets of KFC, with a side order of love. Your restaurant has brought us all together and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Until YESTERDAY.
I had just gotten finished with my volunteer work down at the nursing home when my friend Cherri and I pulled into your store located in beautiful Somers Point, New Jersey. It was late but judging by the clocks your store would be open for at least another 20 minutes! As soon as we walked in the man behind the counter said, "aw, come on ladies, get outa here. I'm trying to leave." He was being VERY rude. I said "oh are you closing soon?" and he gets snippy and says, " I am TRYING to." I countered this meanness with kindness and asked to just have it to go. He barks back "It don't matta' I still gotsta cook." Then he glared at us and I got frightened and we left. I called the next day and a woman slightly apologized, however I am still VERY angry with the way your Somers Point store is run.
I was a life long customer. Let me just tell you that that honor has been (chicken) stripped away from you. Who turns loyal customers away prior to closing?! That is shoddy management. I suggest you get to the bottom of this and learn how to hire competent people who know how to read a clock and don't intimidate their customers into leaving the store HUNGRY. I then had to eat at a Denny's that night for God's sake.
Your slogan claims "There is Fast Food…Then There's KFC!!!" Well to me fast food is better than NO food. What would the real colonel think of how you run this store? Surely he would be upset and sad that I was not allowed to savor his herbs.
As of this letter all of my family and friends will sever ALL ties to the KFC. We will NEVER eat at your so-called "family friendly" restaurants ever again until we are confident that we will be treated with RESPECT. I am outraged by your low store standards and I expect for you to write my family back very quickly to explain these unacceptable actions. Your entire chain should feel ashamed of yourselves. Goodbye…forever?
Regretfully,
ME
KFC
1441 Gardiner Lane
Louisville, KY
40213
Dear Mr. Sanders
ELEVEN. It's a powerful little number. How old was I when I first savored KFC? ELEVEN. How many different KFCs have I visited in my lifetime? ELEVEN. And what's the eleventh letter of the alphabet? You got it….K! As in KFC. Why is eleven such an amazingly KFC-tastic number? I think we all know the answer to this…the ELEVEN herbs and spices!!
I love KFC. I love it more than anything in this world. From the darkest darks to whitest whites and all shades of meat in between, KFC is without a doubt the BEST food ever made in a deep fryer! I eat at KFC at least 10 times a week. Each morning my sister and I arrive at your store at the stroke of ELEVEN to sink our teeth into a savory fresh biscuit. And on various evenings I treat the family to buckets of KFC, with a side order of love. Your restaurant has brought us all together and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Until YESTERDAY.
I had just gotten finished with my volunteer work down at the nursing home when my friend Cherri and I pulled into your store located in beautiful Somers Point, New Jersey. It was late but judging by the clocks your store would be open for at least another 20 minutes! As soon as we walked in the man behind the counter said, "aw, come on ladies, get outa here. I'm trying to leave." He was being VERY rude. I said "oh are you closing soon?" and he gets snippy and says, " I am TRYING to." I countered this meanness with kindness and asked to just have it to go. He barks back "It don't matta' I still gotsta cook." Then he glared at us and I got frightened and we left. I called the next day and a woman slightly apologized, however I am still VERY angry with the way your Somers Point store is run.
I was a life long customer. Let me just tell you that that honor has been (chicken) stripped away from you. Who turns loyal customers away prior to closing?! That is shoddy management. I suggest you get to the bottom of this and learn how to hire competent people who know how to read a clock and don't intimidate their customers into leaving the store HUNGRY. I then had to eat at a Denny's that night for God's sake.
Your slogan claims "There is Fast Food…Then There's KFC!!!" Well to me fast food is better than NO food. What would the real colonel think of how you run this store? Surely he would be upset and sad that I was not allowed to savor his herbs.
As of this letter all of my family and friends will sever ALL ties to the KFC. We will NEVER eat at your so-called "family friendly" restaurants ever again until we are confident that we will be treated with RESPECT. I am outraged by your low store standards and I expect for you to write my family back very quickly to explain these unacceptable actions. Your entire chain should feel ashamed of yourselves. Goodbye…forever?
Regretfully,
ME
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